


Solo Lives

by BobbieMichele (destielruinedmylife)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo Lives, F/M, Finn Finds Family, Heterosexual Sex, M/M, Married Poe Dameron/Finn, Parents Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Past Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren, Past Leia Organa/Han Solo, Poe Dameron Loves Finn, Poe Dameron/Finn Fluff, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Professor Ben Solo, Redeemed Ben Solo, Reylo - Freeform, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, Uncle Chewbacca (Star Wars), kylux blowjob, past luke skywalker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-19 08:28:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 43,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29623485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destielruinedmylife/pseuds/BobbieMichele
Summary: Takes place immediately after the events of The Rise of Skywalker, except Ben Solo survives.I love the character of Ben Solo but I honestly felt like he had the best ending he could possibly deserve. The whole “Ben Solo deserved better” thing is not only *highly* debatable, but it got me thinking, what would it even look like? How does someone come back from that? So then I wrote this to answer my own question.Hope you enjoy.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	1. Escape

Rey sped off of Exegol in the direction of home, or at least towards the planet that had most recently served as her home. Ben was still unconscious, crammed into the space between the single seat and the back of the x-wing. The craft was not built for two. She had dragged him to the ship and dumped him unceremoniously in before leaping into the pilot’s seat and flying away. The planet was about to implode and who knew when he would come to again. She was bruised, bloody, and desperate to see her friends (assuming they had survived), but she was alive. She didn’t know how she would explain the comatose former Supreme Leader in Luke’s ship, but she couldn’t worry about that right now. She was just too tired.

As she approached Ajan Kloss she swore she could hear the celebratory shouts from space, but it was only her brain filling in the blanks until she approached the ground. Then the noise reached her ears and she felt overwhelming joy as the realization sunk in. They had won. It was over. Ben was starting to stir, so she was careful to touch down far enough away from the celebration to give her time to decide what she was going to do about him. She knew she had to join her friends, and she wanted to, but she had to find Ben a place to rest. Then she realized there was only ever one place. She had to get him to the Falcon.

She dragged Ben out of the x-wing and he groaned softly as he began to regain consciousness. She half-carried him, using the force to lessen the weight on her shoulder. Ben’s leg was definitely broken, probably among other things. As they arrived at the Falcon she saw his eyes clear and a look of panic enter them as she practically hauled him through the door. “No.” came stuttering out of his mouth, while she continued to carry him down the corridor. She turned into the nearest cabin and dropped him onto the bed. His eyes fell closed again, but he continued to mumble his objections to being on the ship. She knelt beside him and pushed his dark hair off of his forehead. “I have to go meet my friends. I need you to stay here, I promise you I will come back as soon as I can.” She kissed him on the forehead as Ben once again lost consciousness.

When she finally broke the hug, Rey looked into the eyes of her best friends and wondered how she would ever be able to tell them. Poe, who had been tortured by Kylo Ren and worse, Finn, who had lived for years in the shadow of Ren’s evil. Right now there was nothing but relief and tears of joy, and she would prolong the simplicity of that moment for as long as she could. Finally Poe walked away to greet some other friends and fellow soldiers, and that gave Rey all of the excuse she needed to put it off. She smiled at Finn and then wandered away herself.

She didn’t realize who it was she was headed towards until she looked up and saw General Calrissian, and then she knew she had intended to find him all along. When he saw the expression on her face he instantly understood. “What is it, Rey?” She took him aside and got straight to the point. “Ben Solo turned, at the end. He betrayed the Emperor and saved my life very nearly at the cost of his own. He’s on the Falcon and I don’t know what to do, but I thought maybe you might know of a place to go.”

Lando looked grave, and Rey was suddenly forcefully reminded that Han Solo had been his best friend. “Is there anywhere you can think of that we can go?” He was silent so long she was afraid he might tell her they could go to hell, but instead he said quietly, “Take him to Cloud City.” Rey’s eyes widened- she had heard about that place in stories, but had never been fully sure it was real.

In all of the stories she had heard, General Calrissian was in charge of the city at the time of the last war. He continued, “No one will look for either of you there, and everyone who works for me will keep their mouths shut while he recuperates.” Rey was moved by his generosity, and her heart also gave a small leap at the idea of finding some solitude with her counterpart in the force. “Are you sure, General?” Lando nodded. “Han would want me to do this. Leave him on the Falcon, I’ll make my way there now and you join us when you can.” Rey nodded. “I’ll be there by nightfall.”

Lando walked down the corridors of the ship he knew so well, thinking about his best friend. There were times he had wanted to kill the man himself, he could be so goddamn infuriating. But he had loved Han like a brother. The fact that Han’s ship now housed his murderer didn’t bother the General as much as one might have thought, for more than one reason.

Firstly, and most importantly, he felt it was not his place to be angry with the kid because Han never had been. Lando felt a strong responsibility to be Han’s agency in the world now that Han was no longer in it, and he knew that his friend’s wishes were all too clear. All he could do now was try to carry on in his friend’s place.

Secondly, Lando knew what it was like to make the wrong choices. Sure, massacring entire cities was not one of the ways in which he had been a traitor to the Rebellion, but he also lacked the moral surety that gave people like Leia and Rey such conviction in their judgments. Self-righteousness, a less generous man would call it. He worried for Rey. The same relative cynicism that helped Lando accept Ben’s betrayal a little easier than most told him that this couldn’t last. Even if there was any coming back from the crimes Ben had perpetrated, Lando was worried that the kid was just weak, to his core.

Ben had been influenced by Snoke from a young age, sure, but he had also always enjoyed his power a little too much for Lando’s comfort. Luke had never been that way. Ben was insecure and his ego had been fragile, and the fact that Ben hadn’t told his parents the first time Snoke had breached his mind was… telling, in Lando’s opinion. He was worried that when things got hard, when the world didn’t instantly forgive him, Ben would return to the dark side to nurse his wounds.

Lando knew that Rey would believe in Ben fiercely and he hoped it would be enough. People who are as strong as Rey (especially women, he couldn’t help but think) are always sure they can fix anything or anyone, and when they also happened to be as naturally good as the young Jedi was, they tended to not see evil coming. It was a dangerous combination.

But lastly, he’d loved the boy. Uncle Lando, Ben had called him. He remembered so clearly the pudgy hands gripping his hair when he gave him piggy-back rides, and the dark, serious eyes looking up at him begging him to tell him just “one more!” story about the war before he had to go to bed.

Ben had worshipped Lando and thought he was the coolest uncle any kid could have. Lando and Chewie had both adored that kid. The thought of how Chewbacca might react to the knowledge Ben had survived and was on the Falcon crossed his mind, and he honestly was not sure if the wookiee would be able to deal with this. Chewie had also loved Ben, but Han had been his entire galaxy. Lando decided not to borrow trouble- he would worry about telling Chewie when he had to.

Rey sat with Poe and Finn in the corner of one of the makeshift cabins that had been put up to house the fighters from around the galaxy that had shown up for the final battle. Many had gone back to their homes, but even more were tired and their stores were exhausted, so space had to be made for them while their ships were fueled up and their strength regained. There was a fire burning in the corner of the cabin where all three of them sat in silence, Rey gently kicking at the embers.

Rey had known that telling her friends would be difficult but Ben being on the planet and Lando waiting for her meant she had to tell them sooner rather than later. Even worse it meant she had to leave them. And no matter how she painted it, she knew they would only see it as her abandoning them for Ben. Kylo Ren. Their literal worst enemy. And it was true she supposed, but also, she didn’t know what else could possibly be done.

Even if she hadn’t been in love with Ben Solo she didn’t know what else could be done now, outside of either killing him or showing him a new life. There was no prison in the galaxy that could hold a person who was as strong as he was with the force. Death or rehabilitation. There were no other options that she knew of.

Her friends had been sitting in silent shock for about 20 seconds and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could bear it. Poe spoke first. “So all is forgiven- just like that.” “NO.” Rey practically shouted. People turned to look at them, and Rey lowered her voice. “I know what he’s done and it’s not forgiveness I am asking you for.” Poe’s expression softened- Rey had known he would be the easier of the two to win over.

“I’m grateful to him for saving your life” Poe continued, “and also there will be certain... advantages to having him on our side.” Rey was expecting this. She jumped at the opening. “And he will help us to dismantle the rest of the First Order. He has valuable information. He has all of the information. But right now he’s barely clinging to life. You have to give us time.”

Poe pierced her with a look. “But you’re saying that you are coming back, and that he is gonna give us every shred of intel he has and do everything he can to try to undo some of the damage he’s done.” Rey knew she had no such assurances and was at this point lying through her teeth and just hoping that Ben would indeed do these things. “Yes of course.”

Poe stood up. “Okay, fine. He saved your life, he turned, and he’s going to help our side. I’ll accept the bastard as long as he is useful. For you, and also because a good military leader should accept every advantage they’re given.” Rey smiled sadly. “Did Leia tell you that?” “No.” said Poe, “I figured that one out on my own. But the fact that he’s her son is also playing a big part in this and I hope you understand that.” Rey nodded. She knew how much Poe had loved and looked up to Leia.

Poe had given her a brief nod and then walked out. There was now only Finn to contend with, and she was having a hard time even looking him in the eyes. “Finn I know-“ she began. Finn cut her off. “No, you don’t know. You think you know, because you’ve heard. But you don’t know because you haven’t seen it. You remember why I left?” Rey nodded, “You were ordered to fire on innocent people and-“

Finn cut her off again. “No, I wasn’t just ordered to fire, I was ordered to fire by him. He gave the order to Phasma and then walked away while the stormtroopers cut down an entire village. I watched the First Order do even worse in the years before that, and once Ren showed up at Snoke’s side it was like he was trying to prove something. He was brutal Rey, and he terrified me. You don’t know. Children, ripped away from their parents to be put in the stormtrooper program, parents cut down if they resisted giving up their children. He knew it was happening. Snoke was ordering it, but Ren knew and he didn’t care. It’s true he wanted to use a clone army but only because he was worried we couldn’t be controlled. He carried out every order without hesitation and anyone who even questioned him ended up pinned to a wall or choking to death. He was EVIL, Rey. No one made him do all that.”

“I know.” Rey said, and she suspected she was going to have to repeat this for a long time. “I am not expecting you to forgive him or to get over it. All I am asking you, as my friend, is to try to understand. He’s alive, and he’ll be on one side or the other, and it will be good for us if he is on ours! I promise I will never ask you to trust him. But PLEASE, trust ME.”

Finn looked at her intently. “I felt you die. I know he brought you back to life. I will always be grateful for that. But you love him, don’t you?” The look in Rey’s eyes was all Finn needed to see. “I’m trying not to take that personally, but since you’re the best friend I have in this world and you know what the First Order did to me, I’m having a pretty hard time here.” Rey looked at the ground, her eyes burning. She understood, and she loved Finn like a brother. But she had to go.

Rey made her way to the ship, expecting to find no one on it except Ben and Lando. Instead as she walked in she saw Chewbacca sitting in the cockpit. She approached him slowly, wondering if he knew what was happening. Chewie looked over his shoulder at her and acknowledged her presence with a nod.

As much as Rey had come to understand his language, she also knew that Chewie was a creature of emotion. He used physicality more often than language to express his feelings and she didn’t know whether or not he would rip the entire Falcon apart if he knew Ben was on it. So she greeted him with a smile and then walked off down the corridor.

Ben was not in the room she had left him in and she was beginning to walk down the corridors in a panic when she made a turn and saw a light on in one of the rooms where the door was standing open. She walked up to it and saw that Lando was asleep in a chair next to a sort of bunk bed, and Ben was asleep on the bottom bunk.

As Rey walked in she saw drawings on the walls and little toys and figures on the surfaces and on the floor- the kind a child might make. With a small shock she recognized the small figurine of a Jedi Knight, and believed it to be Luke Skywalker. It would turn out to be Obi-Wan Kenobi, but as she had not had any contact with any Jedi knights beyond Luke, she hadn’t yet realized that many of them dressed alike. This had been Ben’s room, on the Falcon, as a child. The knowledge went through her heart like a lighting bolt. And a stab of pain followed when she realized Han had never changed it.

Earlier, Lando had found the unconscious Ben in the first room he came to. He had only had time to make sure the kid was still breathing and mutter “dumb little shit” under his breath before he heard the sound of Chewbacca boarding the Falcon. He gave a deep sigh- he was not looking forward to this conversation. He walked to the front of the ship to meet him and said “Sit down for a minute, Chewie”. The wookiee had obliged, sitting down at the holochess table.

Lando also sat down and then carefully explained the situation to his friend, half worried he wouldn’t be able to finish before the wookiee charged into Ben’s room and broke every bone in his body. To his surprise Chewie let him finish without making a sound, and then just sat quietly with his head hanging down. Lando waited for the wookiee to process and when Chewie finally did speak was astonished at his reaction.

Chewie felt the same way that Lando did. Han would be furious with him if he didn’t take care of Ben, so Chewie would do just that. It struck Lando that the wookiee was getting old too. He had suffered so much loss in the past few years in the form of not just Han, but also Luke and Leia, both of whom he had also loved. He didn’t have the same fire that he used to.

When Chewie got up and walked slowly towards the back of the ship instead of the cockpit Lando tensed up again, still slightly expecting a burst of violence. He soon saw that he needn’t have worried. The wookiee went into the room where Ben slept and picked him up, walked down the corridor until he got to another room and then dumped the kid, not particularly gently, onto the bed. He immediately walked back out.

Lando realized where Chewie had moved him to and his eyes suddenly burned. He squeezed the wookiee’s arm as he passed him but Chewie jerked away slightly, not yet ready to be comforted. Lando went into Ben’s room and sat down by his side in case the kid woke up.

“The kid” he realized he kept calling Ben in his head. This was no kid and Lando had to realize it. Here was a giant, 6’4” grown man of what, 25? 26? Barely younger than he and Han had been at the start of all this. This was a man who was responsible for his actions. But when he looked at Ben he still saw the face of the child he had known so many years ago. It also didn’t help that the older Lando got, the younger everybody looked. Rey for instance, seemed an actual child to him, even though he knew she was about 22 or so. Babies, he thought. Wars fought by children, fighting and dying, and for what? With this unsettling thought echoing in his mind he had drifted off to sleep.

Rey didn’t especially want to wake Lando but she needed to know whether or not Chewie was aware of the situation. If not, she wasn’t sure how they were going to convince him to stay on the planet. He would probably want to go with Lando. Then she sighed, knowing suddenly that she couldn’t leave without telling him. It was just too big of a betrayal. She had told Finn and Poe- Chewie deserved no less, regardless of the possible consequences. She woke Lando with a gentle shake of the shoulder. “General, I’m here. Does… does Chewie know Ben is on the ship?” Lando straightened up and stretched. “Yes he knows. And please stop calling me ‘General’, the war is over and Lando will do just fine.”

Rey had secretly hoped that Ben would remain asleep for the entire journey to Cloud City but then started to worry when he did. What if he had a concussion? Couldn’t people die from sleeping with a concussion? Well it was too late to worry about that now.

When they did arrive she started to try to wake him, not wanting to ask for help carrying him. But Chewie walked into the room and swept past her, picking up Ben with one swoop and then walking out again. Rey followed behind, feeling small. These relationships pre-dated her involvement by many years and the intense emotions that surrounded her had filled the entire ship, her lungs, and her brain like a thick fog. She hadn’t wanted Ben to wake because somehow the only thing that seemed worse to her than the utter silence was the idea of breaking it.

The force made her more keenly aware of the emotions of others when they were especially strong so the trip for her had been stifling and tense. When the doors of the Falcon opened she realized that it was night and breathed in the cold, fresh air gratefully. She wondered what time it was here.

They exited the ship and there was a young woman of perhaps thirty waiting for them. She had red hair pulled back into a neat bun and was wearing a crisp white uniform. She had a distinct air of efficiency. She took Lando aside and they spoke quietly for a moment, then Lando turned back to them. “Follow her inside, she’ll show you where to go.”


	2. Waking Up

Rey had only had about two minutes to absorb the beauty of the city that surrounded her before they were led inside. The inside of the building was pure white and the walls were sleek and clean. She had never seen any place in her life that was so shining and spotless. She felt suddenly extremely unwashed.

The woman led them into the most luxurious room that Rey had ever seen. It was huge and circular, and one entire wall was made of windows. There was a long seat under the windows where one could sit and appreciate the stunning view of the city. There was a large bed, and then down two stairs there was a sitting area with a couch and various cushy-looking chairs. Chewie put Ben on the bed and the woman who had escorted them in started to examine him. Rey stood by nervously. “Leg broken, arm broken, ribs broken…” the woman finally said. “This will take a while.”

Rey spoke up, “I can help.” The woman raised an eyebrow. Rey continued. “Not right now, I need to rest, but once I’m recovered I can help heal him.” The woman glanced back at Lando who nodded slightly. She then said she needed to get supplies and left the room. Lando turned to Chewie. “Come on, old friend, I’ll show you to your room.”

Lando turned to Rey. “The connecting door on the other side of the bed leads into your room. The door down by the sitting area leads into the bathroom, and there’s another one in your room. There’s nothing you can do for him right now. Jade is coming back to clean and dress his wounds, he’s going to be fine. You should take a shower and get some sleep. I’m having food brought to you.”

Rey looked at Lando gratefully. “I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you for this, General. Lando. I mean.” Lando gave her a sad smile. “Although I would gladly have done this for the brave Jedi who saved the Resistance, she’s not actually who I did this for.” Rey nodded in understanding, and Lando and Chewie left the room. Rey wasn’t going anywhere until Ben was taken care of, so she settled into the chair next to the bed to wait for the woman called Jade to return.

Rey woke, she didn’t even know how many hours later, in the same chair. Daylight was streaming in through the windows. She realized she must have fallen asleep waiting when she looked over and saw Ben in casts and bandages. She felt guilty about falling asleep and at the same time a bit foolish for not sleeping in her bed, which she was sure was just as amazing as this one. She got up and ran a hand through Ben’s hair, kissed his forehead again and then went to her room to finally wash the battle off of herself, and get some rest.

Rey had been right about her bed, and her room was every bit as gorgeous as the one Ben was in. The shower was like nothing she had ever experienced, with water coming at her from the wall and also the ceiling. She knew what showers were of course but had never experienced anything like this. She never even knew there were people who lived this way. Rey thought about her scavenging days, when you were lucky to get a wash in a communal pool or fountain. If only her younger self could see her now.

She wrapped herself in a thick towel and came out of the bathroom, and saw that there was a pile of clean clothes for her on the bed. They weren’t her clothes, which someone had taken away, but a pair of loose pants and a matching shirt, as well as underthings. She was grateful that everything fit but she wasn’t used to dressing this comfortably. Her clothing had always been functional, doubling as protection from the elements, and she had never had anything so soft against her skin. She noticed there was a tray with food but she had managed to stress-eat the entire loaf of bread she had brought with her onto the Falcon, so it could wait. She crawled into bed and was instantly asleep.

When Rey woke again it was because a chime was sounding repeatedly. It turned out to be her door. “Come in!” Rey said, not sure if she could be heard or if there was a button she had to push or something. But the door opened and a different brisk, no-nonsense type woman in white poked her head in and said “Apologies for disturbing you, but General Calrissian said that you were to be notified as soon as your companion woke up.”

Rey shot out of bed and through the communicating door in an instant. Ben was awake, sitting up in bed and even eating. She breathed a sigh of relief she hadn’t even known she’d been holding inside of her. He looked up and they both smiled. Her smile was a bit shy, his was maybe a bit sad. She walked over to the side of his bed and sat down on it instead of sitting in the chair. She wanted to scare away this new awkwardness she felt as soon as possible. She even touched his chest briefly before asking, “How are you feeling?”

Ben looked at Rey’s face and felt a storm of conflicting emotions. Love for her, gratitude that she had saved him, anger at her for saving him, guilt for so many things, not enough guilt for others, fear of what came next, fear of losing her, fear of facing anyone else in the world. Finally his brain gave up and his simplest thought won the day. “I’ve never seen you with your hair down.”

Rey self-consciously touched her hair, now wishing she hadn’t burst directly into his room five seconds after waking up. “You look beautiful.” Ben took her hand in his and stared down at their hands silently, not sure what to say. Rey finally repeated, “How are you feeling?” Ben glanced at his arm cast. “I feel fine, someone fixed me up, apparently.” He was silent a moment longer then said, “We’re in Cloud City, aren’t we?”

Rey said that they were, and Ben had vague recollections of being on the Falcon, of Lando sitting next to his bed. He shook his head, bewildered. “I can’t believe he brought me here.” Rey smiled. “He cares about you.” Ben shook his head once more. “I’m sure he did it for you.” Rey hesitated, not wanting to push too much on him too fast, then only said, “He told me specifically that he didn’t.”

A cloud passed over Ben’s face as he took in her meaning. “What am I even going to say to him?” Rey squeezed his hand. “You’re going to have to talk to him eventually, but one thing at a time.” She closed her eyes and placed her other hand on Ben’s injured leg and as soon as he realized what she was doing he tried to stop her. “Don’t waste your energy on me, it will heal on its own.” She ignored him and he felt the bones of his leg knot back together. She opened her eyes and said, “I’ll be fine, I’m only going to do a little bit at a time.”

Ben sat back and closed his eyes. He didn’t even know why he was trying to talk her out of healing him- after she had already saved his life a broken leg seemed small. He had brought her back to life and then ridiculously she had used all but her last breath to save him in return. He knew he didn’t deserve to be healed any more than he had deserved to be saved. But he refused to feel sorry for himself, so he only said, “Thank you.”

Rey smiled. “Do you want to try to stand up?” Ben used his power to crack open the cast easily and then placed it beside the bed. He turned aside to stand up and did so carefully. Even though she had healed his broken leg, his body was still severely bruised from his fall and he didn’t want to end up on the floor. He managed it but it was painful, and he soon sat back down. He felt exhausted by the effort and lay back in the bed. “Sorry.” he said. Rey stroked his hair and soon he was asleep again.

When Ben woke up again he immediately knew that Rey had healed more of him while he was out. His arm cast was gone and his pain in general was significantly less. He worried that she was weakening herself, but there was nothing for it now but to be grateful. Again. He tried to stand and this time found it much easier. Unlike Rey he was used to relative luxury, so he went straight for the shower knowing exactly what he would find.

After a long, scalding-hot shower and clean clothes he felt almost human again. He wanted to go to Rey but he knew that the urge was at least partially motivated by an aversion to being alone with his thoughts. He realized he could only manage to avoid it for so long. So instead he sat down on one of the window seats, ate the food that seemed to replenish itself on his bedside table every time he fell asleep, and tried to think about what came next.

Instead, he found himself thinking about what had gotten him here.


	3. Looking Back

Ben had been a needy child, he could admit that to himself now. Of all of the parents for an emotional, clingy kid to be born to, Han and Leia might have been the most unfortunate choice. Both of them were strong and independent and they just sort of assumed he would be born the same. As much as they loved each other they didn’t seem to need each other, or anyone for that matter.

His parents were affectionate and loving but they were such forces of nature he always felt as though he was watching their lives from the sidelines. He felt insecure and that would cause him to cling to them, especially his mother, and cry anytime they left him. If his parents weren’t around the only other acceptable option was his uncle Chewbacca, otherwise he would scream inconsolably until his parents returned.

When Ben got a little older he started to feel ashamed of his sensitivity but also angry with his parents for not understanding it. Leia used to wonder where his genes could have even come from, until she remembered all of the stories she’d been told about what her father had been like as a young man. Then it came sharply into focus. Anakin had also been angry and emotional. This realization brought with it the first of many dark, unsettling worries she would begin to have about her son.

Ben couldn’t remember the first time Snoke had spoken to him, in fact he couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t heard the voice inside of his head. Of course he hadn’t known it was Snoke back then, it was just a quiet voice that had popped into his head one day, whispering secrets. He had thought it was normal at first- his mother had been talking to him about the force since he had been born and he assumed this was the force that was talking to him now.

For the first few years he could remember the voice was gentle and kind, telling the young Solo boy that the galaxy was vast and scattered, and that it was his destiny to bring order to the chaos and save entire planets from war and famine. He saw no reason to disbelieve this. After all, his parents, his uncle, and his Skywalker grandparents had all played pivotal roles in the last Great War, and there was no reason why he shouldn’t follow in their footsteps.

Ben was a lonely child otherwise as there weren’t many other children on the planet where he grew up. He mostly played alone, or if his uncle Chewie was home he would play with Ben outside. Han and Leia did not choose their friends based on potential play-dates for their son, and there was really no one his age with whom he could bond.

His parents had made the decision to send him to train with Luke when he was nine years old, and when his uncle began accepting other students a few years later it would be the first time Ben would be among his peers. His mother had explained that nine was the usual age padawans used to start training, and told him that sending him to Luke was the hardest decision she had ever made. He hadn’t believed her.

Leia was a member of the Galactic Senate and was consumed with her duties. At the time she was working tirelessly to convince the Senate that the rising force calling itself the First Order was a legitimate threat to the galaxy and not the harmless Darth Vader fan club the Senate was currently treating it as. Years later, while Ben was still in school, she finally realized that her efforts had proved fruitless and so she left the Senate to muster and command an army to fight the war she felt in her bones was coming.

Han was still traveling with Chewie, sometimes on missions for Leia and sometimes on moneymaking trips of his own. They were both busy and they were frequently away. Whenever they actually were home he could feel their concern for him growing, and eventually he started to feel that there must be something deeply wrong with him.

Even after he had grown out of toddlerhood he had trouble restraining his outbursts of power whenever he got upset, and many times after these incidents he would overhear his parents in their room, talking in hushed voices. He knew they were talking about him and their voices sounded anxious and sometimes exasperated. He felt intensely guilty and confused.

Ben had been exceptionally strong with the force ever since he was a baby. He had vague memories of violent temper tantrums, of toys flying across his room and smashing against the walls. The combination of the strength of his powers and his emotional nature had made their house extremely volatile until Ben became old enough to somewhat control himself.

Leia had tried to help him learn to control his powers, but she soon recognized her limitations and enlisted her brother to help. Leia could use the force but she was no Jedi. She could have been but in the end she had chosen a different path. She had never felt the pull to the force as profoundly as Luke had, and she knew in her heart that she could do more good by using the skills she had been taught as opposed to the ones that she had innately. Leia had proved to be a strong general and strategist during the last war, and thanks to her adoptive father she was an effective politician as well. Unlike Luke who had been brought up in obscurity, Leia’s name represented a powerful and well-respected political family, which meant she had a lot of influence in the Senate.

So back then his uncle Luke would visit frequently to train his nephew. The force, he had said, should not be treated as a skill or weapon that he possessed but as a sacred gift that must never be abused. He told Ben that knowing when and where to use it was the most important thing he had to learn. Ben looked forward to those visits like other kids looked forward to holidays.

Luke showed him how to focus his power but he had also taught him how to fight without the use of the force. Luke would bring his lightsaber just so that Ben could see it, but obviously they trained with wooden sabers. Ben soaked up the training like a sponge, and Luke was pleased that his nephew seemed just as excited to learn skills that did not require the use of the force as he was to learn those that involved his power. The kid was smart as a whip and Luke rarely had to repeat a lesson twice.

During that time Ben had made the mistake of bringing up the voice in his head to his uncle Luke, assuming he had a similar companion. His uncle had looked concerned and had asked him what the voice said to him. Ben had stammered a vague description of the messages the voice had imparted to him over the years and Luke grew even more concerned. He had asked Ben if the voice had a name, and Ben had told him that he never asked because the voice was obviously the force speaking to him.

Ben regretted bringing it up almost instantly but it was too late. Luke had talked to his parents, he knew, because later that day they sat him down and asked him questions about it as well. He could see that they were alarmed which only confused him. He told them if it wasn’t the force, it was probably one of the Jedi that came before. After all, Leia had told him that powerful Jedi lived on after their deaths and that living Jedi could hear their voices.

Leia had explained that those who had passed on spoke infrequently, and usually only in times of great trouble or celebration. They came when truly needed and never stayed. The fact that he had been hearing one voice frequently in his head over the years, especially one that didn’t identify itself, was not normal.

Ben had ended up downplaying the frequency of the “visits” and admitted to them he had been greatly exaggerating his story to impress his uncle. It had taken some doing but he thought he had mostly convinced them. This incident only served to further convince Ben that there was something wrong with him.

That night was the first time the voice had gotten angry with him. It had also finally revealed its identity- it was indeed his grandfather Anakin speaking with him. Ben was excited to learn this, it made his bond with the voice even stronger and it also made him feel he had a close, familial connection at last. The voice told him that their connection was something his parents could never understand and if he spoke of it again the voice would have to leave forever. That was the last time Ben spoke of it, and when Leia asked him quasi-casually about it months later he’d said it had completely stopped.

Looking back now Ben saw that his mother had felt guilty for being away so often and had tried to bond with him when she was home. She read him books and told him stories, and tried to explain what she did and why it was important. Because of who she was- a princess, a war hero, practically a living legend- people all across the galaxy felt a sort of ownership of her. Everyone felt entitled to her time and help, and she was faced with expectations everywhere she turned. Leia tried to make Ben feel loved, but she had sensed it was not enough.

The sort of deep talks his mother would have with him were not his father’s forte. Instead Han showed his love by teaching his young son everything he knew. He had taught him how to fly the Falcon, and had started so early that Ben was able to pilot it as soon as he was tall enough to see out the windows. His father also showed him how to fly every other kind of ship he could get his hands on. He had taught him how to shoot a blaster, how to fight with his fists, how to barter, and how to cheat at cards.

Ben had loved absolutely all of it and had picked everything up so quickly he could tell that it slightly disconcerted his father. He tried to talk to him about it a few times, but Han always denied there was anything wrong and shut the conversation down. He’d always shut conversations down whenever they became too serious. Han had loved him but the truth was he just hadn’t tried as hard as Leia to emotionally connect with his son. Han had grown up rough and as far as he could tell, his son was given everything. What could he possibly be lacking? Han would have been grateful for even a scrap of the sort of love Ben was given as a child.

Leia sent her son away to train with Luke with a heavy heart. Leia had hoped that her brother’s patient, gentle nature would help soothe Ben’s troubled soul. That maybe the Jedi training would sink in and he would find some sort of peace. Leia knew she had not been a perfect mother, if there was such a thing. The problems of the galaxy had many times superseded any problems her son might’ve had and she could only try to make up for it now. Leia had tried everything she could think of to help him and felt that she had failed. She hoped that his uncle would have better luck. Ben had told himself he would not cry when he left, but he broke down anyway in his mother’s arms and hated himself for it.

By the time Ben had reached his uncle’s school his grandfather’s voice had started to change. It became a louder and more frequent visitor, and it began to insist that he should explore his power beyond what his uncle was teaching him and encouraged him to question his uncle Luke’s lessons. Power, his grandfather told him, should be used by the strong for the greater good of all. The voice had repeated the same thing over the years in different words and through bedtime stories- that the galaxy had to be united under one ruler for everyone to prosper and that ordinary people could not be expected to know what was best for themselves. It was up to the special people, people like him who were strong with the force, to lead the others.

Ben had taken in his grandfather’s lessons but had started to value his uncle’s just as much, if not more. He became enamored of Jedi teachings and lore, and even kept a calligraphy set in his room with which he recorded the lessons that resonated with him the most. His uncle was wise and patient, and a good teacher. He and Ben went on missions to other planets, chasing down Jedi ruins and bringing books, artifacts, and weapons back to the school that Luke had built.

The school was actually a large stone temple that was closely surrounded by a smattering of small stone huts. Ben had asked his uncle why he had built such a large place for just the two of them and Luke had said he hoped that he and Ben were just the beginning, and that in the future it could house many Jedi masters and padawans. He also told Ben he intended to take in other children and train multiple students at once. Ben knew enough about Jedi history to know that this was highly unusual, but Luke being the last Jedi meant that he didn’t have the luxury of adhering to tradition if he was going to have any hope of rebuilding the Jedi order.

True to his word, Luke began bringing in other students when Ben was about twelve years old. His uncle had reached out with his mind to search the galaxy for children who were strong with the force, or even force-sensitive, as they were few and far-between. Ben had felt incredibly anxious at the prospect of training alongside people his age. He was worried he wouldn’t get along with them, and his feeling that he had been rejected by his parents caused him to feel this was a rejection by his uncle as well, even though rationally he knew it was not the case.

When the other children came it was less of a disruption to Ben’s life than he thought it was going to be. As before, his regular classes took place in the temple, while most of his Jedi training took place on the large green fields outside. He spent his days studying and training, and although he had been heartbroken when his parents had sent him away, these years ended up being the happiest of his life.

Ben didn’t become as close with the other children as he might have had he had met them earlier in life but he grew friendly with a few of them all the same. With only twelve students you would think they would have been almost a family, but Luke made sure they all had individual huts, kept their days structured, and discouraged almost any socializing. A Jedi, he reminded them, should avoid strong emotional connections whenever possible.

Luke had explained that while there was nothing inherently wrong with having close relationships with others, outside of familial connections that could not be avoided it was a risk that Jedi simply could not afford. Even the healthiest of close platonic or romantic relationships can lead to emotions like fear, anger, jealousy, and pettiness. A Jedi is too powerful to have the luxury of these feelings. If they do not master their emotions, the pull of the dark side and the urge to use their powers for selfish reasons can become too strong.

Some of the students adhered to this philosophy more stringently than others. Many times Ben suspected some of his classmates were sneaking out at night, probably to swim or play games. His theory was confirmed when he was invited to join them on one occasion, but he had declined. He hadn’t told his uncle either though, considering it to be none of his business.

Ben knew that many of the students were not disciplined enough to follow his uncle’s teachings, but Ben refused to fail at anything. He was untouchable in every area of their training, to the point where the other children gave up trying to compete with him entirely and just focused on each other. Not only was he exponentially stronger with the force, he was so good with his saber that his uncle was the only person who could spar with him. Thanks to his father he was the best with a blaster and far and away the best pilot.

There were a few students who had mildly resented Ben for all of this but he honestly hadn’t respected them enough to notice. Ben respected power and skill, and compared to his uncle Luke and to himself, these people simply didn’t have much of it.

Even after the arrival of the other students Luke spent as much time one-on-one with his nephew as he could, and he saw in Ben the troubled soul his sister had described. He couldn’t quite nail down what was causing it as he found his nephew to be unnervingly withholding. But Luke had done his best to teach Ben the ways of the Jedi.

Ben had asked his uncle questions that demonstrated a deep and detailed knowledge of every way in which the Jedi had failed over the years, but Luke assumed he was just reading everything he could get his hands on. Luke also encouraged him, and all of the students, to question everything. Especially the Jedi. He never discouraged his nephew from criticizing their actions or their philosophies and he did his best to explain everything he could, but the fact that Ben’s criticisms could be taken practically word-for-word from the teachings of the Sith did not escape his notice.

Over the next few years Ben spoke with his grandfather long into the nights, sometimes debating his teachings but usually eventually seeing it his way. As far as dark side vs. the light he had asked many times why his grandfather had chosen the dark side, and if it was true he had rejected it in the end. His grandfather had acknowledged that the story was true, that he had turned against his Sith master in the end, but said it was only to save his son’s life and not because he really felt the Emperor’s plan was wrong.

Anakin had explained over and over that the Jedi and the Sith were simply two sides of the same coin- people who were strong with the force and were trying to save the galaxy, they just had different ideas about how to do it. Framing it as “dark vs. light” was a childish oversimplification. It had made sense to Ben. After all, he had read about all of the evil that had taken place under Jedi rule too.

His grandfather had told Ben that there would have to be a war. One Great War, to end all wars. He had explained that the number of lives lost in such a war would be miniscule compared to all of the future lives that would be saved and improved once everyone was ruled over by the same order. He started to refer to it as the First Order, and then so did Ben.

His grandfather showed him visions of himself as a fully-grown man, dressed in the clothes of a Sith Lord and performing incredible acts of power. Things that seventeen year-old Ben was nowhere near achieving. Committing to a side, a cause, his grandfather told him, was the last piece of the puzzle. Once Ben had fully embraced the darkness it would bestow upon him a power he could only imagine.

His grandfather knew that Ben’s reluctance had to do with Luke’s teachings. He told Ben that his family, in this case his uncle, was once again holding him back. He had always insinuated that Luke was threatened by Ben’s powers and that his jealousy drove him to rein his nephew in. Ben had never truly believed it.

Everything his grandfather had ever said was proved true on that fatal night. Ben had awoken from a nightmare to see Luke standing over him with his lightsaber, poised to strike. There was a hatred burning in his uncle’s eyes unlike anything he had ever seen before. Ben’s blood ran cold and he knew in that moment that Luke despised him, and must have been barely containing it for the whole of his nephew’s life. Ben saw his death in those eyes. He had reacted quickly, calling his saber to him and then collapsing the whole room on his uncle’s head.

Ben had crawled through the fallen bricks, heartbroken and furious. Any doubts he’d had about his grandfather’s words were now gone. His grandfather had been right about his uncle’s jealousy. Ben could see now that it had festered and it had to be the reason Luke hated him. After all, he hadn’t done anything wrong! He was scared of his uncle in that moment but he was even more afraid of the fact that he hadn’t seen it coming, at all.

Even if his uncle had been withholding knowledge, or been envious, or any of the things his grandfather had accused him of, one thing Ben had absolutely believed was that Luke loved him deeply. He cursed himself for a fool. He hadn’t listened to his grandfather and in consequence he had almost let himself be murdered. The sky above crackled with Ben’s fury, and lightning flashed just as Ben’s eyes did. Rain began to pour.

That night Ben gave himself over completely to the dark side. His grandfather told him of a powerful Sith Lord called Snoke, one that could pick up where Luke left off and complete Ben’s training. He told Ben where he would find his new master and then instructed Ben to go to him. He told Ben to bring with him any students who would join their cause, and to kill the rest. He also told Ben to burn the school to the ground. He said that war had now begun and that those who weren’t with them were the enemy. Ben was in shock and seething with rage. He would do what his grandfather commanded.

In the end, of the twelve students that were under Luke’s tutelage only three ended up leaving with Ben. All of his fellow students had heard the explosion and had grabbed their weapons and run over from their own beds to see what was happening. Ben had emerged from the rubble and told them what had transpired with his uncle. They hadn’t wanted to believe it, but Ben was traumatized and his words had a ring of truth to them. In the end they had believed him.

Ben had to shout to be heard over the sudden storm. He had told them that he was leaving to serve a new master, one who was wise and strong. He said that they were going to bring order to the galaxy. That there would have to be bloodshed, but on the other side of it would be a peaceful and prosperous new galaxy.

His fellow pupils had looked at each other with concern, and many with alarm, but one boy stepped forward right away and offered to join him. He didn’t know this one well but had always had a vague impression of him being a liar and a kiss-ass. That should have given him pause but it didn’t. He addressed the rest and entreated them to give themselves over to this glorious future.

He told them it was their choice but that they had to make it now. Three more had stepped forward, and after giving the rest one final chance, he had turned to his new companions and said, “They all have to die.”

Ben was far more powerful than any of the other students, but there was still quite a fight to be had once everyone else realized they were in one. After Ben gave the order the first student who had stepped forward instantly turned and began striking the others down. Between him and Ben, by the time the students who hadn’t joined him realized what was happening only half of them were still standing. The ones who were left fought hard, and took one of Ben’s new recruits down with them, but in the end they lost. Ben was stronger than all of them put together.

Once Ben and the three remaining recruits were the only ones left standing he turned his attention to destroying the school. The rain should have made it difficult to burn it all as his grandfather had instructed, but Ben’s instincts told him that the lightening was responding to the intensity of his emotions and he used his power to harness it, and draw it down to the buildings. He’d never wielded the force like this and the power of it was intoxicating. The other three students watched in awe as all of the structures and all but one of the ships were struck by lightening and burned to ash.

As they flew away into the night Ben had looked down at the destruction and started shaking. He hadn’t had a second to think from the instant he had been torn from his sleep, and now the magnitude of what he had just done was sinking in. The shock was wearing off and he had to fight the urge to vomit. He had never taken a human life before and he had just taken five. Including one of his own flesh and blood.

A chill ran down his spine as he suddenly realized that he had also burned the last bridge that existed between him and his mother. Luke was Leia’s twin. She wouldn’t believe him if he told her Luke had tried to kill him, and she would never forgive Ben for what he had done. In a way he supposed that made it easier. He would now have no split loyalties, no ties to anyone but to Snoke, and to his new purpose in life. He glanced over at the first student who had joined him- the kid was staring at him intently, in a way Ben didn’t care for. He said, “Armitage Hux, right?” The boy had snorted. “It’s just Hux.”

Ben tried to remember the details of his first five or so years with Snoke, but most of it blurred together. He remembered arriving. The shock, when he first saw the face of his new master and teacher. Ben had no idea what he was expecting. Maybe someone similar to Luke, or someone who looked like the pictures he’d seen of Obi-Wan, or Mace Windu, or even Yoda. Snoke looked deformed. And let’s face it, evil. Twisted. Ben had the first of many second thoughts he would continue to have when he looked at the inhuman face of the Sith Lord who, unbeknownst to him, had molded his mind since childhood in the guise of his grandfather.

Snoke had bid him to come close, and implored his young pupil to look with the mind and not the eye. He asked Ben, of all of the beautiful things he had seen in his life, which had not disappointed him? He said had no control over what he looked like, but that he had a heart and a soul just like any other creature, and inside of him burned a desire to fix things. To fix everything. Ben had believed him. What else could he do?

Of the three pupils Ben had brought, two of them eventually became officers in Snoke’s army. They all had the force to some degree, but their powers paled in comparison to Ben’s and only two of them could even demonstrate it on command. None of them were close to completing their training and Luke had taken in anyone who was even force-sensitive. There were precious few people in the galaxy who had any measure of connection to the force.

After putting Lara, the girl who managed to float a pen across the room, into the officer program and putting Kane, the boy who couldn’t manage anything at all, into the stormtrooper program, Snoke turned his attention to Ben’s newly acquired second in command, Hux. Hux had about as much force sensitivity as the one who could lift a pen but this boy had stepped forward and joined Ben instantly. He had murdered his fellow students within seconds of being told to, for a mission that had been barely explained to him. Snoke was intrigued.


	4. Plans

There was a knock at the door and Ben was jolted out of his past. He realized it was the connecting door because there wasn’t a chime and called out “Come in”. Rey walked in and sat down next to him on the window seat. She seemed to be avoiding his eye and began picking food off of his plate. Ben just looked at her, knowing that she would speak when she was ready.

Finally Rey looked up. “I didn’t want to bring this up until you were feeling stronger.” Ben smiled slightly. “We have to talk about my options for the future, don’t we?” Rey smiled back. “I don’t know how much longer we can trespass on General Calrissian’s generosity.” Ben’s face darkened. “No, you’re right, we shouldn’t stay here much longer. Speaking of which, how long have we been here?” Rey shifted slightly. “Five days. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind us staying a lot longer, but-” Ben interrupted, “But we shouldn’t.”

Rey had been incredibly anxious about bringing this up. She knew what she had promised Poe and had no idea whether Ben would even consider the idea. He might decide to find a planet somewhere in the outer rim where he could live an anonymous life, or he might have other plans entirely. Just because Ben had turned against the Emperor did not mean he had any love for the Resistance.

She cleared her throat. “If you want to get away I understand, but there is another option. Poe, I mean, General Dameron, needs information. The Resistance is tracking down the rest of the First Order and if you were to help him, it would be appreciated.” Ben looked genuinely surprised. “Did he actually say that?” Rey nodded. “He’s the one in charge now. He knows you turned in the end and he said he would welcome your help.” That was a bit nicer than the way Poe had actually put it, but you know, semantics.

Ben looked thoughtful. “I have to say that the idea of walking into a Resistance base doesn’t appeal to me. I’m sure a lot of his soldiers will take issue with it.” Rey looked confused. “You know that it’s not widely known who you are, right? I mean outside of Finn, Poe, Lando, Chewie and myself, very few people know who you are, or have even seen your face.”

Ben realized that was true- his mask, with its voice modulation, was designed to hide his identity, and no one who knew his true name was allowed to speak it. Ben remembered the time Snoke found out Ben’s former classmate Kane had told his fellow stormtrooper who Kylo Ren actually was, and he’d had them both shot dead on the spot. There were precious few people who knew that Kylo Ren had been Ben Solo, and most of them were now dead. Snoke had kept his identity secret because he didn’t want Ben’s familial connections to undermine his authority with his armies, and Leia had kept it secret on her end for obvious reasons. She wanted to protect the son she so desperately hoped would return.

Ben was shocked that he was even considering it. Wasn’t Poe the one he’d tortured? And what about the stormtrooper, was he still around? He couldn’t imagine FN-2187 would be on board with this plan. Maybe he hadn’t survived the war. Ben realized the reason he was considering it was because if he didn’t do this, he might lose Rey. He couldn’t imagine that she would abandon her friends to go live in a hut on an island somewhere with him. And come to think about it, could Ben imagine doing it? He was only 27 years old, was he going to shut himself away from the world like Luke had done and just do what, for the rest of his life? Farm?

As much as he hated to admit it to himself, Ben didn’t think he had it in him to live in obscurity. He had wielded great power and commanded armies. He knew he could never be a leader again, but he also knew he would never be able to abandon his power entirely. Redirecting it seemed like a decent option and one he knew he was lucky to have.

Rey was waiting for him to speak. He finally cleared his throat. “If I don’t do this, if I decide I want to find a planet somewhere and just live a normal life, what happens?” Rey shrugged. “Then we go.” Ben let out the breath he’d been holding. “You would come with me?” Rey smiled sadly. “I wouldn’t let you go alone.” Ben completely missed the implication of her phrasing and looked at her in wonder. “What about your friends? Your mission?”

Rey shook her head. “My mission is complete. I don’t think anyone can ask more than one war of a person. And I can visit my friends.” Ben was stunned that she would even consider making that kind of sacrifice for him much less have her mind completely made up, as she clearly did. He looked in her eyes and saw that she would follow him anywhere, and he also knew he could never let her do it. “Okay well, let’s go help your army.”

Rey’s eyes lit up. “Really?” Ben smiled faintly. “Really.” Rey flung her arms around him. “We’ll get through this. It will be hard at first, but it will get better. You can help the Resistance and maybe eventually I can set up some kind of training school, pass on what I know.” Ben shook his head, amused. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do.” Rey kissed him then put her hand on his cheek. “I knew you would do the right thing. You can help fix things.”

Ben was startled to realize she assumed he had made the decision out of a desire to atone for his crimes. It occurred to him that the thought should have at least crossed his mind. This was going to be a lot more complicated than he thought. Rey might be a part of him, she might even love him, but really she barely knew him. She saw the best in him, and there was a lot in there that was not his best. He decided he would do everything he could to try to prevent her from seeing it. He needed her, and how could she possibly love a man who had done the things that he had done, and only truly feel remorse for what he had done to his parents?

When Ben thought about it, really thought hard about the things he had done, he did feel bad. But whenever he tried to dwell on it his mind instantly started spouting justifications. He had thought he was doing the right thing, Snoke had tricked him, had brainwashed him. Most of the people he had killed were housing or helping the enemy, and they were at war. Ben still wasn’t sure he hadn’t been right. He thought about all of the people he had killed and tried to imagine their families, and the pain he had caused them. Ben had always felt so victimized by the world it had been easy for him to push those things aside, but now he told himself that he would try to face them.

Ben could also see now that his mission was doomed to fail from the beginning. Order in the galaxy was not possible. People were too messy, too unpredictable, and too stubborn. Whether or not the First Order would have been ultimately good for the galaxy was a moot point, because it never had a real shot of succeeding. He had suspected this for many years, and in fact had never been one hundred percent sure of his purpose until the day he had killed Snoke.

Ben had thought that killing Han would bring clarity of purpose and finally give him peace. It had done the opposite. His doubts and his inner conflict had only gotten worse, which made what he had done to his father even harder to bear. But once he had killed Snoke the clarity he had always craved came immediately. He was never meant to serve a master. He was never meant to bow. He was meant to lead.

He had marched Rey into the throne room that day not entirely sure what he intended to do. He had seen a vision that she would join him, but since she had seen a vision in which he was the one who turned, he realized then he couldn’t trust it. He had wanted it to be real. He had wanted Rey to join his cause and stand by his side. The idea that she might not turn and that he would be forced to kill her became more intolerable with each passing day their minds were connected. But he still wasn’t entirely sure what he was going to do until Snoke had uttered the sentence “It was I who breached your minds.”

Snoke had only meant to falsely take credit for connecting Ben and Rey through the force, but what he had done was give Ben the sudden realization that it had been Snoke inside his mind all of those years, not his grandfather. His grandfather had stopped speaking to him once he had joined Snoke and Ben had never understood why. Snoke had told him that Darth Vader must have considered his mission complete once he had delivered Ben to his master, but Ben had taken it hard. It gnawed at him, and he felt like there was something, some piece of the puzzle that he was missing. It had now been over seven years since the voice had left and he still sometimes felt utterly abandoned.

Snoke had given him what was left of his grandfather’s helmet and Ben often spoke to it, missing the connection he’d had since he was small. Now he knew exactly why it had stopped. Snoke no longer needed to speak with him in that manner. He knew now that Snoke would have been perfectly capable of invading his mind, and now that he thought about it, this explanation was far more likely.

But more than that, it was like the knowledge was somehow just dropped inside of his head. He felt it. He knew it and in an instant was filled with a fury he hadn’t known since his uncle had tried to murder him. Snoke had tricked him and once again, Ben felt foolish and naïve. He knew he would murder Snoke, and that Rey would join him. She had to. They belonged together and once Snoke was gone, who in the galaxy could stand against the two of them?

With his master dead and Rey gone, having rejected him, he knew exactly what he had to do. He would decimate the Resistance and continue his mission, but now he would do it his way. He had no more conflict. He was determined, ruthless, and he felt righteous. It had taken his mother sacrificing herself and Rey healing him to cause all of it to come crashing down.

Ben hadn’t been able to kill his mother even in the heat of battle, and there was a tiny piece of him, tucked deep down, that thought he would see her again someday. He was never able to muster any sort of hatred of her or even much anger where she was concerned. Leia had carried Ben inside of herself and unlike his father, his mother had been connected to him through the force. Although Snoke had told Ben over and over that his mother would reject him if he ever tried to come home, there was a part of him that knew Leia would always accept him. The simple fact was that he loved his mother, and though they’d been apart for more years now than they had spent together, he knew her.

When Ben and Rey finally fought on the ruins of the Death Star Ben had known he was going to win. They were both soaked to the bone and freezing half to death, but Rey was growing fatigued and Ben’s sheer size and physical strength was carrying him through. He had been close to killing her. He couldn’t bear to think of it now.

But just as he raised his saber to strike the final blow all of the air had been sucked out of him. What Leia had done that day was project herself over to him, much as Luke had done, but inside of his head. She had unleashed every ounce of affection, every drop of love she had for him into his mind and body. He felt everything she felt. The adoration she had for him as a baby, the love she had for him growing up, and the desolate heartbreak she felt at losing him. He felt her longing for him to come home, how desperately she had wanted to hold him in her arms again. He had felt it all in one shining, horrible moment. The effort of it had killed her, as it had also killed her brother.

He was almost grateful when Rey had plunged his own weapon into him. The pain of what he put his mother through, the knowledge of how deeply she had needed him, was too much to bear. Then Rey had saved his life. He hadn’t turned from the dark side, he hadn’t done or said anything at all. She had healed him only because she hadn’t wanted him to die. After everything he’d done, she still cared for him.

After Rey had healed his wound she knelt beside him, water thrashing them from all sides, and shed tears that he knew were for his mother. She had looked to him like an angel. She hadn’t even tried to convince him to join her, she had only told him that he was right- that she had wanted to accept his offer. But that it was Ben she cared for, not Kylo Ren.

And then she had run off. For all she knew he could’ve gone straight from the ruins of the Death Star to butcher innocent people, but she had saved him anyway. The act had not only touched him to his core it had placed a sort of trust in him that he knew he had to live up to. It was done. The end of his story was written, and all he had to do now was follow it.


	5. Reckoning

The next day in Cloud City Ben prepared to face his host. He would go see Lando and look him in the eyes, and thank him. Whatever else he was Ben wasn’t a coward, and he wouldn’t hide away in his room now that he was feeling stronger. They had been there for almost a week and it was time. Ben had learned from Rey that Lando was in his office so he asked one of Lando’s people to take him there.

Ben walked out of Lando’s office two hours later feeling raw but somewhat cleansed. Lando had spoken with him gently, talking about loyalty and love, and becoming the sort of man his parents would be proud of. He told Ben stories about Han that made Ben realize how little he really knew his own father.

Ben had never thought about Han as ever being a young man, really not even as a person. By the time he was old enough to start thinking of his parents as human beings instead of infallible, unreachable giants, they had already sent him away. He never really got to know them. Ben’s heart ached at the loss and he felt furious at himself for being the cause of it, then guilty that he was only thinking of himself. Quite fittingly then, that on the way back to his room he would round a corner and almost walk directly into Chewbacca.

Chewie and Ben both stopped and looked at each other. Ben had no idea what to say but he realized in that instant that this was the meeting he had been dreading the most. He had thought about what he would say to Lando, and he’d had a pretty good idea of what Lando would say to him. He had known Lando growing up but Lando had a lot going on. Ben saw him maybe once or twice a year. Chewie was different. Chewie was a third parent, always there, either in their home or on the Falcon.

As a child Ben learned to understand wookiee just as well as he understood his parents. Chewie didn’t talk to him a whole lot, he honestly didn’t talk to anyone much except Han, but he was endlessly patient with Ben, who treated him like a jungle gym. What kid could possibly resist an 8-foot tall teddy bear that could talk?

Chewie played with Ben outside, wrestling him and always letting him think he had won. Around the dining room table he was always in Chewie’s lap- it was soft and comforting. He associated the smell of Chewbacca’s hair with home, with comfort. Although he called Lando “uncle” when he was small it was just a term of endearment. He had always known that he had two “real” uncles. Luke, and Chewie.

Chewbacca looked at Ben in silence, and Ben realized that he was waiting for Chewie to talk, which wasn’t exactly fair. Ben cleared his throat. “I didn’t know you were still here or I would have gone to see you first.” Chewie just kept looking at Ben in silence, an unreadable expression on his face. Ben continued, his heart in his throat. “I want you to know that I’m sorry.”

Ben was surprised to feel tears spring to his eyes, but the talk with Lando had been heavy and draining. He was exhausted, and now he felt like his heart was twisted into a knot. He didn’t know if he could bear this meeting smack on top of the one he just had but there was nothing for it now but to try.

Chewie finally spoke. “You broke my heart.” was all he said. He started to walk past and Ben moved slightly in his way. “I know.” Tears were fully streaming down Ben’s face now and he felt selfish because of it. What right did he have to cry? Chewie was the one who was hurt, and by his actions. But he plowed on because he couldn’t help himself. “I know and if I could give my life to bring him back, I swear I would. I would do anything to take it back. I know you’ll never forgive me but I’m so, so sorry.”

Chewbacca looked down at Ben and said, “You killed the three people I loved most in the world. As long as you’re on the right side I’ll take care of you because that’s what Han would want. But I wish my shot had killed you on that bridge.” Then he walked past and Ben didn’t stop him.

Ben was shaking by the time he got back to his room. He hadn’t even imagined what his meeting with Chewie would be like because it had been too painful to think about, and he also thought he would have a lot more time to prepare for it. He knew now that he had expected yelling, screaming, and possibly violence. This was much, much worse. He tried to get himself under control but it was no use. He had no strength left in his body. He lay on his bed and sobbed like a child. He hoped like hell that Rey wasn’t in her room because he couldn’t bear the thought of her seeing him like this, but he couldn’t stop.

Rey must have been elsewhere because he was left alone. He cried so hard for so long he ran to the bathroom because he thought he might throw up. Eventually, he did. This was not just because of what he had done to Chewie- he realized that through Chewie’s eyes he had finally felt the enormity of what he had done. All three. Dead. Because of him. The three great saviors of the galaxy, and all of the blood family he’d had in this world.

It was hard for him to feel bad about Luke considering he had tried to kill him first, but Chewie didn’t know that. Nobody knew that except Rey. He knew she had believed him when he told her what had happened, but he didn’t know whether she ever confronted his uncle about it or not. But he hadn’t just orphaned himself he had taken everyone away from Chewbacca. Chewie loved Rey he knew, and possibly others, but it wasn’t the same. Just seeing Chewie apart from Han looked strange. They were a unit, an inseparable pair. He saw the void next to where Chewie stood as clearly as he could see the wookiee himself.

Luckily by the time Rey came by to check on him he was emptied out. There were no tears left in his body, no more food either, and he had collapsed back on the bed. He heard her knock as he was just drifting to sleep, and decided to just let her think he was already out. One more conversation today would kill him, he was pretty sure.

Rey poked her head in and saw Ben asleep in his bed. A worry line appeared between her eyes when she saw how bad he looked. His eyes were red and his whole face was swollen from crying. The talk with Lando must have been hard, she thought. She decided she would find Lando to ask what had happened. Whatever Lando said to him he was perfectly within his rights to do so, she just wanted to know what she would be dealing with when Ben woke up.

Lando looked tired. He motioned for Rey to come into his office and she tentatively crossed the room and sat down. “I was just wondering… I… Ben was asleep so I couldn’t ask him, and I was wondering how it went.” Lando smiled slightly. “It’s okay that you’re worried about him.” Rey felt her cheeks redden slightly. “I didn’t want you to think that I’m worried about what you said to him, I know whatever it is it was much less than he earned, I guess I’m just curious.”

Lando’s smile stayed put. “Sure. Well, we talked for a long time, or I should say I talked, he mostly listened. He seemed in a much better place than I thought he would be. He didn’t get angry or defensive, and he seemed genuinely glad to hear me talk about Han although I could see that it hurt him to hear. It surprised me because the kid I knew would’ve shut down the minute it seemed like someone was blaming him for something. Ben never liked to be made to feel guilty. But he took it, he absorbed it all, and I think he understands what he needs to do now.”

Rey’s brow furrowed. “He just looked… really bad. I guess it’s good that it’s affecting him like this.” Lando cocked an eyebrow. “That’s the rub, isn’t it? He needs to feel the weight of what he’s done, but he can’t let himself be crushed under it. If there’s one thing I know his parents wouldn’t want, it would be for their son to spend the rest of his life in a miserable, self-loathing depression. He has to be strong enough to bear the burden of guilt without drowning in it. I hope he can find that balance, because too far in either direction and things are not going to go well for him.”

Rey looked down and Lando’s expression became concerned. “How you are doing with all of this, Rey? You know you can’t fix him. You can help him, but this is his journey. You have to take care of yourself.”

Rey looked up. “I know. And honestly, my life has become extraordinary beyond my wildest dreams. I was a scavenger and an orphan. I had nothing and nobody. Now I have family, friends, people who love me. I have the force- a connection to the galaxy I never knew was possible. I mean, we just won a war! I’m happy, beyond anything I could have imagined. But he and I are linked. He has to be okay, because I want to be okay. That’s why I couldn’t let him die. Ben might have deserved to die, but I didn’t deserve to lose him. Not when I’d just found him.”

Lando was once again impressed by the girl sitting in front of him. He shook his head. “Well you have your head on straight at least. Now go get some rest. It’s late.” Rey stood up to leave. “Thank you General. Lando, sorry. It’s hard to get used to.” Lando smiled. “Of course. And I know you said you decided to leave soon but please know there is no rush. Ben is always welcome here, and so are you.”

Rey left Lando’s office and decided to find something to eat before she went back to her room. She had spent much of the day training in the state-of-the-art rooms Lando’s… building? house? palace? had for the purpose, and she hadn’t eaten since morning. The room service for her had understandably stopped after the first few days so she was getting food from a sort of communal cafeteria and taking it back to her room.

On her way back Rey passed Chewie’s room and decided to say hi to the wookiee- she had barely seen him since the night they had arrived. He called for her to come in and she found him sitting in a chair, seemingly not doing anything at all. She walked in and turned on the lights. “It’s dark in here. How are you doing? I haven’t seen you for days.”

Chewie looked at Rey and saw that she was clearly not aware that he’d seen Ben. He felt relieved, because when it came to Rey he had an odd sense of guilt. After his encounter with Ben he hadn’t felt bad about what he had said, until he thought about Rey. Wookiees are loyal. Humans say they are loyal but loyalty to a wookiee is like breathing. It is their nature. And Rey was one of the few people left alive that had earned that loyalty from Chewie. He knew hurting Ben was going to hurt her, but Ben had taken him off-guard and honestly, the little bastard needed to hear it. He shook his head slightly. He didn’t know what the right thing to do was anymore. He had always had Han to tell him what to do, and now he was alone.

Rey could see that something was wrong. “Chewie? Are you okay?” The wookiee turned to her. “I’m fine.” Rey sat down on the other chair with her sandwich and opened it. “Sorry, I’m starving. Do you want half? Chewy shook his head. Rey ate in silence for a couple of minutes. The air was tense and she didn’t know why, but she was sure it had something to do with Ben. She just didn’t know what.

Chewie had decided to just tell Rey exactly what had transpired between them. Rey took it in quietly, and when he was done Rey went over to the wookiee and hugged him tightly. She had begun crying almost immediately after he had started talking. Her heart ached for Chewie, and when he tried to apologize for upsetting her she assured him her tears were on his behalf, not Ben’s. In fact, there was a small part of her that was spitefully glad of what he had said to Ben.

The feeling shocked her, until she remembered that even though she had only known him a short time, she had also loved Han. With everyone in the world against Ben she had taken her place firmly in his corner, but now she realized that she still had anger towards him that she could now never express. She wasn’t angry about anything he had ever done to her. Ben had never harmed her in any significant way, honestly the man had never even managed to hurt her feelings. But part of her wanted him to suffer for what he did to Han. Just a bit. She didn’t even blame him completely for Luke or Leia, they had at least chosen their ends, but Han was different. She had watched Ben put his lightsaber through someone she cared about, and she still didn’t even really understand why he had done it.

Rey and Chewie had talked for a while, and after Rey left the wookiee felt a lot better. He was relieved that she wasn’t upset with him, and felt validated when she told him how she herself felt about it. Although in a way it had troubled him- it was easier for him to hate Ben when he knew his nephew had someone who loved him, but if Rey decided to give up on Ben, Chewie didn’t know what he would do. Ben was a part of Han, and Han had loved his son more than life itself. Chewie would have done anything for his best friend and now he felt torn and confused.

Han would have wanted Chewie to forgive Ben, but Ben had killed Han. So what did loyalty to Han look like? Deep down he knew the answer. Hating Ben was selfish. He could do the bare minimum- not kill the kid, and even keep him alive, but Han would want more of him. He would want Ben to have family. Chewbacca shook his head. Han was gone. And even though Chewie loved his nephew as well as hated him, he didn’t know if he had this in him.

Rey woke from a deep sleep, feeling like someone had called out to her. She heard noises from the adjoining room and she felt a sudden stab of pain. She recognized immediately that the pain was not her own. Ben. Something was wrong. She got up quickly and moved through the connecting door. Ben was asleep and in the throes of a violent nightmare. He was shouting and thrashing, and tears streaked his face. Rey rushed to his bedside and tried to shake him but he wouldn’t wake up. She tried shouting his name and when that didn’t work, she placed her hand on his forehead in desperation and just pushed.

She wasn’t sure what she was doing, trying to use the force to wake him up maybe. But instead she was suddenly inside his head and standing between Han Solo and Kylo Ren on that awful bridge. When she realized where she was she immediately called out to Ben that it was a dream. She saw Kylo Ren look up and they locked eyes, and then an instant later she was pulled back into the waking world. Ben had woken up and was breathing hard.

Ben tried to catch his breath. “What did you do?” Rey barely knew. “I just tried to make it stop.” Ben wiped the tears off his face and sat up. “You came into my dream. I saw you there, and as soon as I did I knew that I could wake up if I followed you out.” Rey shook her head. “I had no idea something like that was even possible.” Ben looked at her. “We’re a dyad in the force, Rey. Who knows what we can do? I’ve never even read about this.”

Rey knew there wasn’t anything in the galaxy that could make her leave his side that night. “Can I stay with you?” Ben looked slightly startled, then said, “Of course, I’d like that, if you want to.” He moved over and Rey settled into bed next to him. He laid his head on her chest and she held him as tightly as she could. His breathing became regular almost immediately but she lay awake a while longer, enjoying the weight of his body on hers and listening to him breathe.

Somewhere around four in the morning, Rey awoke. Ben was wrapped around her and she disentangled him gently to use the bathroom. When she came back to bed, she put her back to him and wrapped his arms around her. She had never felt so comfortable in her life, but she was also keenly aware of the broad chest she was nestled into, and of his breath on her neck.

Rey had known that they would eventually share a bed, but first Ben was injured, and then he was just a wreck. They hadn’t done anything yet except kiss but there was a comfortable, unspoken knowledge between them that this would change soon. For a while it was even fun to put it off, but she had always known that the second she laid down next to him the happy buzz of anticipation would instantly become something closer to torture.

From the moment Ben had taken his mask off Rey had known she’d never seen anything so beautiful in her life. She felt their connection then but she hadn’t known what it was, and it had confused and frightened her. When he was trying to force the information about the map out of her head she was horrified when she felt physical excitement alongside the fear and anger. She had wanted him even then, and was disgusted with herself for it. Then after Han it felt like an even worse betrayal. On the island when they started seeing each other… it was intense. And when he had shown up half undressed, good lord, did he have to have that body?

Rey had never had sex on Jakku, and had never been interested in doing so. The entire planet was a haven for thieves and smugglers, and she was one of very few children that lived there. No one would ever go there to raise a family, so it amounted to a handful of orphans, budding criminals, and runaways. Everything and everyone was filthy and there was always work to be done. So when she had joined the Resistance, she was 20 and had never slept with anybody. After she had met Kylo Ren and felt her growing attraction to him, she had decided to do something to stop it. She thought that maybe if she were with someone else it would banish him from her mind.

She had chosen a Resistance pilot a little older than herself, someone who was easy-going, who she would hopefully not get too attached to. She was in the midst of her training and she couldn’t get distracted. She had no idea whatsoever of how to pursue someone romantically, and in desperation she had finally turned to Poe for advice. She was mortified to ask him, but he was the only person she was close to that she knew had plenty of experience. His hut practically had a revolving door. She had a feeling Finn was in the same boat that she was- she doubted the First Order allowed much fraternizing among the stormtroopers.

Poe had almost completely resisted the urge to tease her and he had told her exactly what to do. It was shockingly simple. She had approached the man and introduced herself, smiled a lot at him and he basically took it from there.

She had enjoyed sleeping with him, even the first time. He was sweet and gentle at first, knowing she was inexperienced, but then as she’d become more comfortable he had gotten dirtier. She had enjoyed that too. It didn’t help her fixation with Ren but it was a pleasant distraction, and it gave her an odd sense of satisfaction to connect this way with someone who wasn’t him. Almost as though she thought he would have been jealous, and this was a small way she could hurt him. These thoughts were baffling to her but they had also felt true at the time.

Their arrangement (she didn’t know what else to call it) had lasted a few months, during which they must have slept together at least sixty times. She found that she really, really liked sex. She had ended the relationship naturally when she had left with Finn, Poe and Chewie to try to find Exegol. She told him she had to focus on the upcoming war, etc. He had taken it just fine, he hadn’t expected or wanted anything permanent. He was young, and handsome, and cocky. He actually reminded her of Poe now that she thought about it, just maybe ten years younger. And Poe reminded her of a young Han. She decided then and there to never think any more deeply about this.

But now that Rey was actually lying next to Ben, she could feel the warmth and the energy between them and knew that this would be something entirely different. She wanted him to wake up, to roll her over and kiss her, to put his massive hands on her neck, on her chest, everywhere. But she could wait, just a little longer. She hoped.

When Ben woke up in the morning he looked down to see Rey snuggled into his chest sleeping, and he wondered, not for the first time, what he had ever done to deserve her. To have been born with a counterpart- a partner somewhere in the galaxy who carries half of you with them, seemed like something out of a storybook. He was happy that she had wanted to stay with him, to be honest he had been scared to go back to sleep, but now he was wondering if it was such a good idea. His body was responding to her and he didn’t want her to feel pressured, or uncomfortable.

Ben knew Rey wanted him, that wasn’t difficult to read, but he didn’t know if she had ever slept with anyone before. Part of him really hoped that she had. Not because of the pressure of performing but because she wasn’t his first, or his second for that matter, and he didn’t want her to feel as if she wasn’t special. He didn’t want to take anything that he couldn’t give back to her.

Rey woke again and looked up from Ben’s chest to see he was awake, staring at the ceiling. “Good morning.” she said, and was slightly embarrassed but also amused to notice she had drooled on him. A little on the nose, she thought. Ben smiled down at her. “Hi.” Rey rolled over slightly to nestle in the crook of his shoulder, and thought that she could stay there all day. There was a chime at the door just then, and Rey jumped. She didn’t know why she was embarrassed, there wasn’t anyone that would be surprised or upset to see them together, but Rey was a private person and she wasn’t keen to have anyone walk in and see them in bed together. She kissed Ben and said, “I’ll go hop in the shower then grab us some breakfast.” then swiftly returned to her room.

Ben sat up in bed and said, “Come in.”, and to his immense shock, Chewbacca walked into the room. Ben sat up even straighter, and then turned sideways to sit on the edge of the bed. He didn’t know what to say, but luckily the wookiee started talking first. “I need to talk to you.” Ben got out of bed and motioned to the sitting area down the steps, and both of them sat down on the couch. Ben’s heart was once again in his throat and he honestly had no idea what else his uncle could possibly have to say to him.

Chewie looked over at his nephew and knew he was doing the right thing. Rey had told him how Ben had reacted to their conversation, and he could see the evidence of it still on Ben’s face. He was surprised, and honestly glad to know that Ben had taken it that hard. He knew that Ben cared for Rey, but he was shocked to realize that his nephew still loved him as well. He couldn’t understand what had gone so wrong. That this boy in front of him could have done so much evil. Right now he just looked like a sleepy young man with puffy eyes, looking at him with a combination of fear and sadness. Like he was bracing for something. Chewie shook his head, and tried to think of where to begin.

“I’m not sorry for the things I said. It’s how I feel. But it wasn’t the whole story so there’s more I need to say to you.” Ben’s body was still tensed as if anticipating a physical blow. Chewie continued. “We missed you a lot. Not just Han and Leia, but I missed you too. I don’t want you to think I stopped loving you. Han was heartbroken when we found out what had happened at the school, but he never gave up hope that you’d come home. And most of all, he was never angry with you. Not once. He was my best friend, and as hard as this is for me to say, he wouldn’t want me to be angry with you either. I am, though. I’m angry. But I’m still your uncle and I’m going to try, or start to try, to find a way to forgive you. For Han, but also because I don’t want to lose any more of my family.”

Ben was in shock. He couldn’t believe what Chewie was saying to him, and he was once again fighting the tears that unfortunately seemed to have regenerated during the night. He cleared his throat. “I don’t deserve forgiveness, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to give it to me.” Chewie shook his head sadly. “That’s the thing, Ben. Forgiveness isn’t given to us because we deserve it, it is given to us because we need it.” Ben was overcome, and no more words would leave his mouth. He knew if he tried to speak he would lose it again. Chewie could tell, and put his huge hand on the back of Ben’s neck. “It’s going to take time, but if you do the work and try to make him proud, maybe we can get there.”

Chewie left the room and Ben sat where he was, glued to his seat. He couldn’t bear it. How could anyone be so full of kindness? The comforting wookiee smell still hung in the room, and Ben sat still for a long time, turning over his uncle’s words in his mind. Over the past couple of days he had learned a lot about himself. Mostly, that he had more of a soul left than he thought. It was as if a long dormant part of him was slowly waking up, or switching on.

He realized now that he hadn’t “turned good” when he betrayed the Emperor, but rather it was just a first step. Just one small step down a road he had barely begun to walk. Instead of being discouraging, the thought comforted him greatly. Maybe he didn’t have to be perfect right away. Maybe it was okay that he wasn’t drowning in guilt for every single thing he ever did. Maybe his mind was protecting him, unpacking it in pieces so it didn’t drive him insane. He hoped that was the case, so he decided to believe it.


	6. Love

Ben was still sitting on the couch when Rey returned. She came in and sat down next to him, eyes searching his face. She knew it was Chewbacca who had come in to see him. She’d had an undignified urge to listen at the door, so before she could give in to it she left to get some food then dropped by Lando’s office to say hi before heading back. She saw Chewie leave as she was rounding the corner back to her room, so she went ahead and entered Ben’s room instead. She had no idea what their conversation was like but she was determined to do some damage control if necessary. She knew how hurt the wookiee was and she couldn’t imagine that this conversation had gone well.

She saw Ben rooted to the spot with an odd expression on his face. At least he wasn’t crying. She sat down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?” Ben looked over at her and put his hand on top of the one that was resting on his shoulder. “I’m fine. I’m better than fine, actually.” Ben studied her face closely. “You’ve been pouring all of your concern and worry into me since we left Exegol. How are you feeling?” Rey sat back a little. “I’m…I’m fine. I’m good, actually. Did you talk to Lando?” Ben smiled. “No, but I guess that means he was worried too.” Rey shook her head. “Not worried, just checking in. And like I told him, I’m good. I know we’re both on the right path.”

It was Ben’s turn to shake his head. “How can you know that? And why are you so sure I’m worth all of this? Chewie seems to think so too. I know it’s because of who my parents are but beyond that I just can’t figure out how either of you can justify the energy that you’re putting into me right now.” Rey buried her hand in his hair- she never could seem to stop touching it. “It doesn’t matter how I know. I just know.”

Ben’s eyes met hers and suddenly he couldn’t wait another minute. If she wasn’t ready he just hoped she would tell him, or that he would sense it. Ben stood up and swept her into his arms, she couldn’t help a small giggle escaping even though she felt silly for it. With everything going on she knew this was not something she should have been obsessing over but at the end of the day, Rey might be a powerful Jedi, she might be a soldier, a warrior, she might have been the last hope of the galaxy. But she was also a 23 year-old girl in the arms of a man she’d wanted so desperately for so long that it made her light-headed.

Ben carried her over to the bed and laid her down, his last few functioning brain cells wondering if he should check again to be sure this was okay. Those thoughts fled when she started babbling into his ear. “I wanted you the second I saw your face.” Ben laughed lightly as he ran his hands down her body. “The first time you saw me I was trying to torture you for information.”

Rey laughed as well. “I know. You said, “You know I can take whatever you want.” I assume you didn’t mean to make me wet, but that’s what happened.” Ben was slightly shocked but he laughed even harder in spite of himself. “I didn’t mean it that way.” Rey clutched Ben’s chest and felt like his body would never be close enough to hers. “And yet.” Ben shook his head, which was now nestled in her neck. “You pervert.” Rey laughed again.

The second he was inside of her it felt like the galaxy was exploding. Rey had known it would be something, but this. It was as though she was seeing herself through his eyes, and feeling what he felt. She had the sensation that she was jumping back and forth, from his body to her own. Then she saw the past, his past. She saw his childhood and felt his emotions. She saw his future, and she saw visions of him that would never come to pass. She saw him as an old man. She saw him standing on top of a pile of bones, dressed all in black. Glorious, and evil. She saw him at home with Leia, a baby crying in her arms. She saw him fighting his way through an army, the blood of hundreds of soldiers splattered on his clothes. She saw him on the Falcon as a child, pretending to steer the ship from the comfort of Chewie’s lap. She saw him alone at school, missing his parents so desperately it knocked the breath from her body. Then she saw him as he was, naked and beautiful and everything she’d ever wanted.

Ben had never felt anything remotely close to this with anyone else. Rey was obviously a beautiful woman, but that hadn’t ever been what drew him to her. Rey was strong in so many ways he had never been and never would be, and he’d known for a while now that he had immediately worshipped her for it. She had grown up even more alone than he had, certainly poorer, and yet she had not succumbed to anger or despair. Instead Rey had maintained a core of goodness that was unshakeable. He knew, because he had tried to shake it.

Ben had fallen in love with Rey for her strength and her goodness. He had looked up to her. The fact that she was physically attractive was just a bonus. He had wanted her for years and now that she was in his bed, it was better than he ever imagined it would be. And he had imagined it a lot. Their connection was so strong and so fierce, Ben frequently lost track of where Rey ended and he began. But now it was literal- he could barely tell which of their bodies he was in. He saw into her mind without trying, and he knew everything she wanted him to do without her ever having to ask.

Despite her words Ben was still surprised and somewhat relieved that Rey clearly knew what she was doing. She rode him until she came and then Ben flipped her over onto her back, feeling like he might lose his mind. He had a hand around the back of her head, and she slowly guided it to the front, then down to her neck. In the midst of fucking her, Ben noticed and laughed, sweat dripping from his face onto Rey’s. “Oh is that right?” He tightened his grip. Rey smiled at the ceiling and came again within minutes, the pressure on her neck and the rhythm of their bodies becoming not just the best thing she’d ever felt but something she knew she would need for the rest of her life. Finally Ben came with a small groan and a shudder, and Rey committed the noises he made and the look on his face to her memory. If she had died at that exact moment then she would have died happy.

Ben rolled over next to her, completely spent. Rey was no delicate, innocent flower, and he could not have been any happier about that. He was relieved that he wouldn’t have to constantly pull back and restrain himself. He would have happily done so, for her. If she had needed him to only be gentle then that’s all he would have ever been. He would have done anything for her. But she had made it clear she liked it a bit rough. Every time he had pulled back, just to be sure, she had clutched at him almost violently and forced him back against her, and into her. She was desperate to be consumed, to be crushed beneath him. He would oblige for as long as she wanted.

At some point in the middle of the night they rolled away from each other once again, breathing hard and wondering how many times two people could have sex before it did actual damage to their insides. But nothing could have stopped them. Out of nowhere Rey’s voice came loud and clear. “Have you… have you been with many people?” Ben turned to look at her and Rey started stammering. “I mean not because it would bother me, I guess, I guess I am just curious. I mean I expect it’s a lot. Being the Supreme Leader must come with perks...” She trailed off.

Ben stifled a laugh. “Not those kinds of perks. Being at the top means you don’t show weakness. Needing another person physically is a weakness. Something like that can get around and all of a sudden your soldiers see you as human. That was something I avoided as much as I could. But to answer your question, only a few. A girl at school but that was only once. There was another girl who was a Knight of Ren, that lasted for a while but it was done by the time I took over as leader. Another one night stand in a cantina on the road before I reached Snoke. Hux for a few months after we joined Snoke... that was it.” Rey looked startled. “Hux? Admiral Hux?” Ben cocked an eyebrow. “Does that bother you?”

Rey shook her head. “No. I mean no, not in that way. Not the way you’re asking. I just mean… wow. A lot of things make sense now.” Ben laughed. “What makes you say that?” Rey smiled. “He betrayed you. He was a spy for the Resistance! Did you not know that?” Ben was still smiling, now a little sadly. “Yes, I knew. I knew before he was found out. I saw it in his mind and then pretended I didn’t know. I should have killed him, but I couldn’t do it. I knew it was because he was furious with me and not because he cared about the cause. He hated the Resistance, but he hated me more. I was flattered, I guess, in the end.”

Rey was bewildered. “You must have had something special, for him to hate you that much.” Ben looked thoughtful. “I guess we did, in some strange way. But it was always a little one-sided, and he never forgave me for ending it. In his defense, I handled it badly. But he was also unbearably frustrating.”

Ben had asked Rey about her own experiences and she had told him about the pilot. He had only been relieved it wasn’t Poe. He’d met that man. The effortless swagger, the brown skin, the curly hair… as stupid as it sounded considering the bond he and Rey shared, he wouldn’t want to have him as competition. He had half wanted to fuck Poe himself. Maybe more than half. Rey was now snoring softly on his chest, and Ben’s mind drifted back to when he and Hux had begun their strange, violent, unhealthy relationship. They had only been about twenty.

From the start Ben could not understand why Snoke had put Hux in such a high place of authority. It annoyed him, partially because Hux had no real connection to the force but also, if he was being honest with himself, because Hux had a commitment and conviction that Ben still lacked. Hux believed in the mission, or at least he didn’t believe in anything else, which was just as useful. Ben was riddled with doubt and suspected that’s why Snoke had placed Hux in a position to keep an eye on him. He saw Hux as a sort of hall monitor- a snitch who was just waiting for Ben to trip up so that he could rat him out and become Snoke’s true protégée. He wasn’t too far off, but all of Hux’s motivations did not become clear to him until their relationship began.

It seemed like every time Ben turned around, Hux was there. He felt like he was being haunted by the pastiest, bitchiest ghost of all time. Hux’s fixation with him was so extreme that Ben started to seriously consider trying to find an excuse to kill him. He couldn’t do it outright for no reason- normally Snoke was tolerant of such things but Hux was a special favorite. Ben would have to have an excuse.

He hadn’t managed to come up with a good one by the time Hux had showed up at his door on a night that Ben had been in a particularly foul mood, and demanded to talk about the battle strategy they had disagreed on earlier that day. Ben had shut him down at the time but now he apparently wanted to rehash it. Ben had finally had enough.

Hux had pushed his way in and started in again with his argument. Ben still didn’t know what had come over him. He had grabbed his former classmate by the back of his hair pulled him close, and then shoved him to his knees. Hux immediately started to open Ben’s pants and before he had a second to think about it Ben had shoved his cock down Hux’s throat.

To this day he was pretty sure he had only wanted to shut him up- he had practically choked him to death on it. But it had blossomed into a sort of addiction. It turned out that Hux was really good at it. Hux had admitted to him later that he had provoked him intentionally with the hope that something like that would happen. He confessed he had wanted Ben even back in school, when Ben hadn’t known he was alive. Ben had just shaken his head in complete bafflement and asked Hux why he hadn’t just propositioned him, instead of annoying him to the point where Ben was actively planning his murder.

After a few weeks of Hux cornering him whenever he could to blow him, they finally actually had sex. Ben hadn’t ever been with a man before but it came pretty much just as naturally to him as having sex with a woman had. At first he had fucked Hux, but eventually he had let Hux fuck him too. After over a month of blowjobs and taking Ben’s massive cock literally everywhere, Ben figured he had earned it.

Hux had turned on a dime while they were together. All of the animosity seemed to be gone, at least on his end, and he practically begged for it all of the time. Ben started to realize that he had made a huge mistake. It became clear that Hux had strong feelings for him, and Ben did not reciprocate them. He was attracted to Hux well enough, as it turned out that Hux was actually quite good looking when he wasn’t talking. Especially in the mornings, when his hair was sticking up all over instead of slicked back like usual and he was too sleepy to talk Ben’s ear off.

There were quite a few mornings that Ben was also sleepy, his guard was down, and they had talked about things no one else on the base could understand. Things about their school, about Luke, about their fellow classmates and they way things had ended there. Ben had opened up more than he had to any other sexual partner, which admittedly wasn’t much.

But despite their common history and the amount of time they were beginning to spend together, Ben had never felt anything beyond mild affection for Hux. He’d been sexually attracted to plenty of people but had never developed strong romantic feelings for anyone. He was starting to feel like that was just not something he was capable of. It became clear to him he would have to break it off and he dreaded Hux’s reaction. He was right to do so.

After almost three months he had finally told Hux it was over. He’d been meaning to do it for a while, but every time he thought about bringing it up Hux seemed to sense it coming and would start putting his hands all over him and Ben would think, eh, tomorrow works just as well. But finally he knew he had to put a stop to it. He’d fed Hux some bullshit about having more responsibilities now and not being able to be distracted, and something about not having attachments that might affect his focus. He’d smiled slightly when he realized he was almost exactly parroting his uncle’s speech about emotional attachments back to Hux.

Hux had argued with him at first, saying it was just sex and nothing else, and that it made sense since they were in close proximity, and that he would back off and not be around so much so as not to distract Ben from his new responsibilities. He had practically begged Ben not to dump him. That had only made Ben more sure he was doing the right thing.

Finally Hux had seemed to accept it and had left the room. But over the next few weeks he kept trying to start things up again- showing up at Ben’s quarters, pushing him into corners, and whispering the filthiest things he could think of in Ben’s ear at inappropriate times. Ben had pushed him off and turned him down as gently as he could at first but Hux would not back off. Ben had a lot on his mind and in the very best of times was not known for his patience. Finally, inevitably, Ben snapped.

Hux had showed up at Ben’s door and Ben had opened it. He had told Hux, slowly and through his teeth, that he needed to fuck off and get over it. As Ben stood there framed in the doorway, anyone with an ounce of sense would have looked at his expression and fled. Hux had never grown an ounce of sense where Ben was concerned. He started to walk forward and Ben had raised a hand and stopped him in his tracks, without touching him. Up until that moment Ben had never used his powers to physically control or affect Hux.

He had repeated, again, that Hux needed to fuck off. He had told him they were over, and that was it. He told Hux he was going to let him go, and that Hux was then going to turn around, walk away, and be done with all of this. He had let Hux go. Hux had started shouting, throwing a fit and trying to push his way in, again. Ben had lifted him by the throat with one hand and thrown him down the hallway like a rag doll. He hadn’t used the force that time. He took one step out of his room to look at Hux where he lay against the wall and said “You are nothing to me. If you step out of line one more time I will kill you where you stand and tell Snoke you were a traitor.”

Hux had indeed left him alone after that, but his animosity towards Ben had increased far beyond what it had been before they’d had their… whatever it was they’d had. If Snoke had noticed any of this he’d never mentioned it. But after that Hux criticized every move, every decision that Ben made. But this time under the criticism there was a real anger, and hurt. Ben could feel it. He felt a little bad, mostly because he now realized Hux had actually liked him from the beginning. If he hadn’t been so preoccupied with his own inner conflicts he would have realized it and he never would have gotten involved with him. But what was done was done.

Years later when he discovered Hux’s treachery, he was shocked to find that he couldn’t bear to punish him. It had been ages and he’d thought that whatever was between them was long dead, but as soon as he realized Hux had destroyed his entire life and career just to punish him, Ben felt, not just sorry for him, but sort of a wistful affection for him as well. It was sweet of Hux, really. When General Pryde discovered it later and shot Hux dead, Ben hadn’t cared too much. He was just happy he hadn’t had to do it. He had congratulated Pryde on a job well done, then later had a quiet, solitary drink in Hux’s honor. Then he had mostly forgotten about him.

The next morning Ben and Rey woke at about the same time and immediately began having sex again, still half-asleep. It went on all day- they ate, fucked, slept, and repeated. The conversations they were having in-between were intense, and Rey knew it was only a matter of time before she would ask Ben her questions about Han, or before Ben would see those questions in her mind. She decided to head it off.

Rey was lying in Ben’s arms and she didn’t think there was any way to soften what she was about to say, so she just started. “I loved your father. I know I didn’t know him long, but I did. I understand about Luke, and Leia. But please, can you tell me why you needed to kill Han. It’s the only thing I can’t forgive.” Rey stopped abruptly- she had not intended to say the last word. She had meant to say, “understand”. But it had just come out and there was no taking it back.

Ben had heaved a sigh and told her everything. His grandfather’s voice, his childhood, being sent away, his schooling, all of it. He had felt split in half, and he tried to explain that to her. He tried to explain the chasm he felt between his parents and himself, and the peace he had thought severing that connection would bring him. He thought Rey understood, in the end. She was unsettled by the story of how he left his school but Ben thought she understood his feelings towards his parents.

They lay there in silence. Rey did feel that she understood Ben better. She also felt the knowledge of the story Luke had told her burning up her insides. Ben deserved to know. She told him the story Luke had finally relayed to her the night they had fought. Ben couldn’t believe what he was hearing. His uncle was still hurting him, after all this time.

“Luke regretted it the moment he ignited his saber. He was ready to turn it off, he didn’t mean for you to wake up.” Ben, for the first time, felt real anger towards Rey. How could she be so stupid. Then he remembered that Rey had no family, that she had adopted his family as her own, and he tried to be generous. He took another deep breath. “Luke lied to you the first time you asked him what happened that night. He lied to your face. What makes you think he didn’t lie again? I am telling you now, he did lie. He did not lower his saber, and his expression didn’t change. He went there to kill me.”

Rey still looked unsure. “He said he regretted that moment and it passed quickly.” Ben’s anger ebbed as he forced himself to remember that Rey loved his uncle, as he had, and she had not seen the look in his eyes that night. “Rey. It was the middle of the night. If he was coming only to read my thoughts then why did he bring his lightsaber with him?” Rey looked stricken. Ben continued. “I understand what he told you. But you weren’t there. Whatever else you believe about me, please believe I would never have hurt my uncle if he hadn’t been seconds away from murdering me. Not back then. I need you to believe me.”

Rey looked at Ben and realized she did believe him. Luke hadn’t fled to that island for no reason. The guilt he felt was real. Rey had known that Luke was holding out on her and Ben was right, he had flat-out lied to her when he’d first told her the story. Rey knew in that moment that Luke went to Ben’s hut that night at the very least prepared to kill him. She also thought Luke might have been right to do so.

Luke was a hero. The good guy. She believed that too. If Luke was so sure that killing Ben would save the galaxy he was probably right. In a way he had been right. But she knew that Ben’s experience that night was what had turned him from the light. Both things were true. So would Luke’s visions have even come true if he hadn’t gone to Ben’s hut that night? And what right did Luke even have to violate his nephew’s mind while he was sleeping? This was all so messy.

They had continued to talk for a while, but soon it just felt exhausting. Emotionally draining conversations could only be tolerated for so long and eventually they just went back to eating, sleeping, and fucking. After a few more days Rey began to feel guilty about not leaving, especially since no one was interrupting them or pressuring them to do so. As content as she was, she knew this couldn’t last forever.

Finally Rey said what she would have given the world not to have to say. “We have to leave soon. I told Poe we would leave in a week, and that was over a week ago. We should leave in the next few days. Is that okay?” Ben turned over and nestled his head against her arm, and kissed her shoulder. “I said I would do whatever you want me to do and I meant it. We’ll leave whenever you’re ready.”

Rey sighed in relief then got up and got dressed. We have to ask Chewie if he wants to go back with us. He probably will.” Ben nodded. “Yes. Good.” Rey looked at him, a worried expression on her face. “You still haven’t told me what he said. Are you both okay? Are you going to be able to be on the Falcon together?”

Ben smiled sadly. “My uncle said he might be able to forgive me. Someday.” Rey started at the change of subject. “Lando, no, I’m talking about Chewie.” Ben looked at her in confusion. “Lando’s not really my uncle. You know that Chewie is my family, right? I know he’s not human but he’s every bit my uncle as Luke was. He is a part of me as much as my parents are. Chewie is my uncle.”

Ben sounded slightly defensive and Rey understood why. She hadn’t considered Chewie to be his uncle because, Ben was right, because Chewie wasn’t human. Probably the same prejudice that had prevented the Rebellion from giving a wookiee a medal alongside Luke and Han, even though he had done just as much. Lando had told her that story and it had infuriated her.

Rey felt embarrassed. “Oh I get it, I’m sorry.” Ben’s expression softened and he said, “No I’m sorry. My whole life, everyone saw Chewie as less than. The few other kids I ever met when I was young, they all talked about him like he was a pet. It made me so mad, but I know you don’t see him like that, I’m sorry.” “No”, Rey said. “You were right to defend him. I do see him as different, and I shouldn’t. But I love him, so you don’t have to protect him from me.” Ben looked stricken. “I know. I know. You’ve been more of a family to him than I’ve been since I was twelve.” Rey smiled. “This is going to be a minefield, isn’t it?” Ben shook his head. “For fuck’s sake. It really is.”

Ben and Rey went to Lando’s quarters the next evening to say goodbye. He hugged them both and asked them one more time if they were sure they were ready to go. They answered in the affirmative and Lando immediately ordered his people to start loading the Falcon with supplies. Food, fuel, weapons, anything they could possibly need. Ben and Rey headed back to their rooms and packed the few belongings they had brought with them along with the clothes that had been provided to them during their stay in Cloud City. Rey packed all of the toiletries from the bathroom, hoping she wasn’t committing a social faux pas by doing so.

Once Rey was packed she sat on the side of her bed trying not to panic at the thought of bringing Ben back to Ajan Kloss. She had spoken with Poe three or four times since their arrival at Cloud City but she hadn’t spoken to Finn at all. She had asked for him every time she had called Poe, and every time Poe had said Finn was busy. It had been weeks now and this was the longest she and Finn had gone without speaking since they met, besides his coma anyway, and she knew it wasn’t a coincidence. Her heart ached at the thought that he was angry with her and she could only hope that time would sort all of this out. She jumped slightly at the knock on the connecting door and said “Come in.”, grateful to be distracted.

Ben came in and crouched down on his heels in front of her to be at her eye-level. “You all packed?” Rey smiled. “Yes, ready to go.” Ben searched her eyes. “What’s bothering you? You’re worried about bringing me there, aren’t you.” Rey nodded. “I’m not worried about the army, I know they won’t know. As far as they’re concerned you’ll just be some mysterious, dark, handsome stranger I’m bringing back with me from wherever I disappeared to.” Ben rolled his eyes and Rey laughed.

“I’m worried about my friends. I know I can’t fix anything, and I know it’s useless to even want to try, but I can’t help it. I want the people I love to not hate each other.” Ben cocked his head slightly. “You know I don’t hate them, right? Why would I. So the problem is that they hate me. That’s fine, Rey. It’s not only fine, it’s not your problem. Let me deal with Poe and FN-2187.” Rey’s eyes flashed. “His name is Finn, and you’ll never use the other one, ever again.” Ben looked startled. “Of course. I’m sorry.” Then he smiled slightly. “This is going to be a minefield, isn’t it?” Rey smiled in spite of herself. “For fuck’s sake, it really is.”

Ben leaned forward and cupped her face in his hand. “Like I said, I’ll go wherever you want and help however I can. But I’m going to have to forge these relationships myself. Alone. I have to earn, if not their trust, at least their respect. And it might take years, or never happen at all. You can’t do it for me as much as I know you want to. I need you, to some degree, to stay out of it.”

Rey looked pained. “I know, you’re right.” Ben got up and sat next to her on the edge of the bed. “Everything is going to be different. I feel like this was a sort of dream, a break from life. Part of me wants to take Lando up on his offer and stay here forever, just forget everything else is even out there. That’s how I know it’s time to go.” Rey leaned her head against his shoulder. “I know exactly how you feel.”

Ben leaned over and kissed the side of her head. “Should I let you get some sleep? We have an early start tomorrow.” Rey laughed. “Go to hell.” Ben turned and pulled her onto his lap so that she was straddling him. “I don’t want to presume you want me around all the time.” Rey ran her hands through his hair and then down to grasp the sides of his neck. “Nothing can cure this anxiety, but if there’s anything that can help then it’s probably this.” Rey kissed him and pulled his shirt over his head, wondering if she would ever get used to how gorgeous his body was. Not likely, she thought, and definitely not tonight.


	7. Return

Lando accompanied them outside to where the Falcon waited, Chewie joining them a few minutes later. Rey didn’t know why she felt so tired, it wasn’t even really so early in the morning. She and Ben had certainly gone at it the night before but she had still gotten a solid six hours of sleep, which was more than she frequently got during the war. She thought maybe it was because she was exhausted at the mere thought of returning to her friends with Ben at her side. She saw the long road that lay in front of her and it made her want to sleep for at least another week before she even attempted it. Brokering peace, balancing the feelings of the people most important to her, all if it seemed like a house of cards she would be holding up with no relief in sight.

Lando clasped Ben’s shoulder and leaned in, saying something quietly in his ear. Ben walked aboard as Rey gave Lando one more hug. “Thank you, again. For everything. I don’t know where we would have gone.” Lando smiled. “You would’ve figured something out. I’ve given up imagining that there’s anything you can’t do.” Rey smiled and glanced down for a second, then followed Ben onto the ship.

Chewie came last, lifting Lando into a giant hug. “Do you think we really have him back?” Chewie asked. Lando sighed and put his hand on Chewie’s arm. “I think so. I hope so, anyway. You did the right thing, Chewie. Han would have wanted this, and I can’t see a thing to be gained by keeping that kid out in the cold.” Chewie shook his head. “I hope you’re right. I hope we aren’t just a pair of sentimental old fools. “ Lando smiled reassuringly. “Even if we are, I’d rather be a sentimental old fool than someone who has closed himself off from hope. Goodbye, buddy. I know I’ll see you again soon.” Chewie grasped Lando’s arm in return and rested his forehead briefly against the General’s. “Take care of yourself.” Chewie said, and then walked onto the ship as well.

Once on board Rey headed towards the cockpit. She passed Ben sitting at the holochess table and stopped suddenly. “Do… do you want to fly it?” Ben looked up at her, startled. “No, I don’t know. I don’t think I can.” Rey raised an eyebrow. “You don’t know how to fly the Falcon?”, she teased. Ben shot her a look. “Of course I can fly this junk pile. I just don’t think I should.”

Rey snorted. “Well, then say that. But I don’t see why not. It’s basically your ship.” If he was startled before, Ben now looked shocked. “Of course it isn’t. It’s Chewie’s. Then it’s yours.” Rey sighed. “You’re his son. Everything he owned belongs to you now.” Ben shook his head. “You know that isn’t true. And please don’t let Chewie even hear you say that.” Rey walked over to Ben and sat on his lap. “Do you want to fly it?” Ben shook his head again. “No. It would feel wrong.”

Just then Chewie walked on board, saw them sitting there and yelled “This thing isn’t gonna fly itself. Rey’s tired so make yourself useful.”, in Ben’s direction as he walked by. Ben moved Rey off of him, immediately got up, and followed his uncle obediently into the cockpit.

The journey back was mostly silent, but being behind the controls of the Falcon once again after all these years made Ben feel like screaming, or crying, or breaking something. It was overwhelming. The familiarity, the love, and the hatred he had for this ship... It was the ship that had so frequently taken his father and uncle away from him, but it was also the ship he had grown up on and learned to fly. He had spent countless hours in the cockpit with his father, listening to Han’s stories and instructions. When he was too little to fly it he still had vague memories of sitting on the floor between his father and Chewie, playing with the gold dice his dad kept for good luck. This ship was as much his home as the house they had lived in.

As soon as Ben sat down, any worry that he had forgotten how to do this had flown out of his mind. He realized he’d never stopped seeing these controls in his dreams and that this ship had never left his thoughts, not even for a moment. As Kylo Ren, every time he saw it he felt a rage he could hardly contain. It represented everything he wanted to obliterate. Now, it just made him feel alone. Sitting in this place was like sitting in the empty chest cavity of the father he had destroyed.

Chewie hadn’t tried to talk to Ben much during the flight but he could tell Ben was struggling. He had duel impulses- one to comfort Ben and one to make him feel worse, any way he could. He ignored them both. He needed to let his nephew feel whatever it was he was feeling. But seeing him in the pilot’s seat wasn’t easy for Chewie. He was remembering many of the same things that Ben was, and again wondering how everything could have gone so wrong.

Chewie was intelligent but he was also simple, in the best possible way. Leia and Han had loved Ben. Chewie had loved Ben. Ben had been a sweet baby. An emotional child, sure. Sensitive and angry even. But also affectionate, loving, and full of laughter. Chewie didn’t know what had happened to Ben at school, he was never even clear on what Snoke had done to turn him, he just knew that none of this should have happened. He was sad and confused, but he also had to admit that seeing Ben pilot the Falcon as an adult also made him happy in a strange way, and proud. He only wished Han could see it.

They landed on Ajan Kloss almost a day later and were met by Poe as they walked off of the Falcon. It was dark but they could see each other by the lights of the ship. Chewie gave Poe a hug and spoke to him briefly, then walked away. Rey was nervous but that was more than outweighed by how ecstatic she was to see her friend. She threw herself into Poe’s arms and they stood there holding each other for a moment. They pulled apart as Ben approached, and Poe looked up at the former Supreme Leader with a guarded expression.

Ben thought he should speak first, and had in fact been rehearsing what he was going to say in his head on the Falcon almost the whole way there. He had decided on the ship it would be presumptuous and flat-out stupid to try to shake his hand, so he just began speaking instead. “Commander Dameron. I know this is strange, and probably difficult. But I’m at your disposal. Anything you want to know, anything at all I can do to help. I know you can’t trust me and I don’t expect you to, but you can trust that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for Rey.”

Poe nodded and said, “That about sums it up. Well it’s the middle of the night so I’m gonna show you both where you’ll be staying, and someone will get you first thing in the morning and bring you to the command center.” Poe glanced at Rey then pulled her aside briefly. Ben looked around while they spoke in low voices for a second, then they returned. Poe sighed. “Okay then, let’s go.”

Poe had taken them to a hut that was really more of a small house. Since Rey had left they had built much sturdier wooden structures and she suspected this was one of the nicer ones. It had a kitchen with a table, a small bedroom that was mostly taken up by a decent-sized bed, and a bathroom. Compared to where they had come from it was certainly modest, but on Jakku it would have been considered luxury.

Ben looked at her quizzically. “If you don’t mind me asking, what did he say to you when he pulled you aside?” Rey laughed. “He wanted to know if we needed one or two rooms. I guess he didn’t want to put me on the spot in front of you, or maybe he just wanted to know what exactly our relationship is at this point.” Ben looked over at the single bedroom and sighed. “Well I guess he knows now. You didn’t tell him any of the times you talked to him in Cloud City?” Rey shook her head. “I mean I’m pretty sure he kind of knew, but I didn’t actually open our conversations with “Guess who banged your former mortal enemy last night??”” Ben snorted and put his bag down on the bed.

That night they went straight to sleep, tangled in each other’s arms. Not only were they exhausted but as far as they could tell there were only a few hours until daylight, and Ben wanted to be rested for whatever he would be walking into. Sure enough, the sun was barely up when there was a knock at the door. Ben jerked awake and immediately pulled on a shirt and his boots, and went to answer it.

There was a young woman standing there who reminded him vaguely of pictures he’d seen of his mother when she was young. They had similar bone structure and hair. She smiled at him. She certainly had no idea, Ben thought. “Good morning, my name is Lieutenant Connix. I hear you have come to help us out and the Commander has asked me to take you to the command center. Please follow me.”

Ben followed her out. Rey was still fast asleep and he hadn’t wanted to wake her to say he was leaving. She knew what the next day’s plans were, after all. Ben and Lieutenant Connix entered a large tent that was filled with computers, maps, schematics, droids, and people at their various stations. Poe looked up from a table as they approached and, mindful of being surrounded by people, greeted him almost warmly. “Morning, I hope you slept well.” Ben said that he had and Poe dismissed the young Lieutenant that had brought him there. He then pulled Ben off to the side and sat at a small table where they could have relative privacy.

Poe didn’t waste any time. “So here’s the situation. Most of the First Order has been destroyed, but as you know there are small garrisons all over the galaxy. Our worry is that they will consolidate and become a real threat, like the First Order did after the Empire fell. We need to stop that from happening. We’ve tracked down a few of them and destroyed them, but we know there are plenty more in places we don’t know about.” He paused and Ben sensed he was expected to speak, so he said, “If you show me the ones you’ve already found I can point out all of the smaller bases we had, and any other place I think they might gather.”

Poe raised an eyebrow. “I have to ask- you’re going to give them up, just like that? Your own soldiers, who trained under you and fought beside you? You know we’re going to destroy them.” Ben sighed. “Yes. And I also know that to someone like you, as bad as you thought I was before this is probably even worse. You’re a Commander, it’s the greatest possible betrayal. But I made a choice and I can’t do anything halfway. This is the task ahead of me and I’m not going to cry over it.” Poe shook his head. “Okay then. Let’s get started.”

They spent the rest of the day poring over maps and discussing the locations of First Order bases and the likely weaknesses in their various defense systems depending on their locations. In spite of himself Ben was starting to enjoy flexing this muscle again, even if it was for the opposite side. He loved battle strategy and he was good at it. The fact that he knew First Order procedures and tactics didn’t hurt either. The resistance was gaining more knowledge in one day than they had managed to gather in weeks, and Poe was quickly becoming more and more pleased with his decision to let Ren help.

Rey woke up a few hours after Ben had left and it took a good thirty seconds for her to remember where she was. Once she did, she remembered where Ben would have gone to and immediately wondered how it was going. She wanted so badly to go to the command center and check, but Ben’s words echoed in her mind and she resisted the impulse. She had to let him do this alone. Instead she got up and dressed, and thought about trying to find Finn.

She knew from Poe that Finn was still on the planet but also that he was not much involved in strategy or commanding. Poe had said after the war ended Finn had seemed to want a more peaceful life. He had been raised his entire life to fight, and Poe completely understood that Finn needed to find something more. Something different. Rey wasn’t sure why he had stayed there if that was the case, but she supposed there was nowhere else he even knew anyone. The thought made her heart hurt and she knew in that moment she had to find her best friend. If he hated her, so be it. She had to see him.

Rey asked around and found out where Finn was staying. She approached his small house, which seemed similar to the one she had been assigned, with trepidation. He probably wasn’t even there, she told herself. It was the middle of the day, he was probably out doing, well, whatever it was he was doing these days. But when she finally knocked on the door Finn opened it almost immediately. He didn’t look surprised to see her so she knew that Poe must have been keeping him in the loop at least. She had meant to look contrite, but the sight of her friend made her so happy she grinned instead. “Hi Finn.” To her relief, he smiled back. “Hey Rey.” He reached over and hugged her with one arm then they stood there for a moment looking at each other.

Rey spoke first. “Would it be okay if…can I come in?” Finn startled slightly. “Oh yeah, sorry. Come in.” Rey walked inside and saw that his house was indeed an exact copy of the one she was in. Finn sat down at the kitchen table and she sat across from him. She had glanced around when she walked in, half-hoping to see evidence of another person staying there, or at least visiting occasionally. But she saw no women’s clothing and no objects that couldn’t conceivable be Finn’s. She hoped that he hadn’t been isolating himself.

This time, Finn spoke first. “Chewie came to see me this morning.” Rey glanced up, surprised. “Yeah? Just to say hi?” Finn shook his head. “He gave me the run-down of everything that happened in Cloud City, most of it I already knew from Poe.” Finn shifted in his seat. “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you while you were gone.” Rey shook her head. “Don’t apologize, I’m happy you’re even talking to me now.” Finn looked up at her. “Don’t say that. Rey I know we have things we’re gonna have to work through, but you’re still my family.”

Rey breathed out a deep sigh and her eyes were suddenly misty. “Thank you for saying that. I missed you so much, and I feel horrible about what I’m putting you through.” Finn shook his head. “This isn’t your fault, Rey. What you said before is right. The reality is, the man’s alive. He’s too strong to be contained and the only person physically capable of killing him is you. So we play nice as long as he does, I guess.”

Rey’s stomach twisted. “It’s still not fair, I know it isn’t fair. You shouldn’t have to ever be in the same room as him again, and because of me you are going to have to be, eventually.” Finn smiled slightly. “I’m almost looking forward to it now. I’ve been thinking about it ever since you left, and being in the same room with him now might actually feel good. It might be a way to kill the monster in my head and make him into a human I can stand up to. Plus you know, I think I might have some questions for him.”

Rey felt surprised, but it made sense when she thought about it. More conflict, more difficult conversations, more heartache. She knew this was what they were signing up for but it still made her feel worried and exhausted in advance. What if Ben’s patience wore out? What if they came to blows? She knew in that moment she could not be in the room for whatever conversation they might have. She would inevitably try to smooth out the conflict, and either Ben or Finn would end up feeling like she wasn’t on their side. She had to be out of this as well. Finally she spoke. “I understand. He’s helping in the command center all day though so it may have to wait.” Finn sighed. “I didn’t plan on rushing it, trust me. My overwhelming urge is still to avoid him as long as possible.”

Rey spoke hesitantly. “Finn, this might sound stupid, but can we…talk about something else? I want to know what you’ve been up to, how you’re doing. I really missed you while I was away.” Finn smiled. “I’ve actually been doing a lot. I had a feeling you might come by today so I stayed home, but generally I’ve been helping to train younger recruits.”

Rey was surprised. “Oh, I thought Poe said you were avoiding commanding which, I don’t blame you.” Finn nodded. “Oh, I have. I gave Poe every bit of knowledge I have about the First Order and after that I avoided the command center like the plague for a while. But I also have no skills other than the ones the First Order gave me so I’m doing lower-level stuff, away from the actual fighting. Teaching the newer kids how to shoot blasters, how to fly. It’s actually sort of nice. I get to help without worrying about the big picture anymore. It’s rewarding to watch their progress, and I have to admit it’s nice that the kids all see me as some big hero.”

Rey smiled. “Because you are one, dummy.” Finn shook his head. “Never felt that way, that’s for sure. It always felt like we were running from one disaster after another.” Rey smiled sadly. “It really did. You read these amazing stories about soldiers and Jedis and heroes and you think…wow, they really knew what they were doing. Then you hear the stories told about you and feel like a huge fraud. I want to yell in their faces that I was terrified the whole time, that I made a thousand awful decisions, and had daydreams about running away to raise banthas.”

Finn laughed. “That doesn’t make for as good of a story.” He stood up and went over to make some tea. “Do you want some?” Rey shook her head. “That’s okay. So, are you…” Rey stopped and blushed slightly. Finn looked over at her. “Am I what?” Rey looked up. “Are you seeing anyone? I know I haven’t been away long but I was wondering if you managed to meet anyone. There are a lot of people stationed here and it’s good to get out of your head and try to do something that normal people do, like have a girlfriend or something.” Finn smiled slightly. “Well I certainly don’t have a girlfriend.” Rey shrugged. “Well it’s only a matter of time. After all, you are a war hero.”

Finn was grinning now. “I might find a girlfriend someday. If I ever manage to get rid of Poe.” Rey looked completely confused, then her face cleared and she looked at Finn with wide eyes. “You and Poe?? What? How? When! …When did this happen?” Finn shrugged. “What, I just told you. How, I’m honestly not sure, although when it happened it sort of felt way overdue. When, technically, was the day after you left. I was upset and we were talking, and we just kept talking for hours and hours and…” Finn trailed off and shook his head, smiling.

“When it happened all I could feel was shock that it hadn’t happened before. I guess we’d been busy, but still. From the day we left that base together I was crazy about him. He was so gorgeous and so sure of himself. I was terrified, and he never even flinched. When I thought he was dead and I saw him alive again… I can’t even describe how it felt, and I had barely been around him for any time at all. It’s obvious in hindsight but back then I don’t think I even had time to realize it.” Rey smiled. “No wonder you never took off that jacket.”

When Ben returned to the house he and Rey were sharing it was late evening and he was beat. He knew that he had helped and had been surprised at how good it had made him feel. Going into this he had expected to feel nothing except satisfaction that he was doing what he promised Rey he would do, and maybe some slight guilt for betraying those that had served him. Instead he had felt a renewed sense of self-worth and relief that he had been able to be helpful.

He also felt deeply grateful to be working with someone like Poe. They had understood each other’s thought processes almost immediately. They had similar skillsets when it came to military strategy and were practically finishing each other’s sentences by the end of the day. Strangely, Poe didn’t seem to be uncomfortable with how easily they had fallen into a rhythm. He wasn’t angry or emotional at all where Ben was concerned. It was a relief. He didn’t call Ben by his name, but he didn’t refer to him as Kylo Ren either. Poe had avoided using his name altogether. Ben had imagined this day many times since he had first agreed to this plan and he’d never imagined it would go this well. But then again, in this scenario Finn hadn’t been there.

Ben found the house empty so he washed up and then looked around for something to make for dinner. There was a sort of frozen chest filled with food, so he started cooking meat on the stove and hoped he wouldn’t burn the place down. He hadn’t cooked anything since he was in school. Whatever creature he was heating up in a skillet was almost done when Rey walked through the door. She smiled when she saw him standing over the stove, and came over to kiss him. “What are you making?” Ben shook his head. “I have no idea.”

They ate the mystery meat, which thankfully ended up tasting a lot better than it looked, and then went to bed. Once they were settled in they finally started talking about how their days had gone. Strangely both of them had felt a reluctance to start- their respective days had left them overwhelmed and drained in different ways. Ben told Rey that his information on the First Order had been helpful and that he and Poe had gotten along, all things considered. Rey was happy, and also inwardly relieved, to hear it.

Rey told him about her day as well and Ben’s stomach clenched when she relayed the conversation she’d had with Finn. So the stormtrooper wanted to talk to him. Wonderful. Ben knew by now that Finn was the most important person in Rey’s life so it seemed supremely rotten luck that he was also the one who had been screwed over by the First Order, and by extension Ben, the most. He had awkwardly tried to apologize for Poe’s time in the torture chamber and he could’ve sworn Poe had forgotten all about it. He had just snorted and shook his head. “We were on opposite sides of a war. Anyway you didn’t do any lasting damage.” They had immediately moved on. Finn would be different. This was practically a family matter and there were moving parts to it that even Rey would not understand.

By the third day Ben and Poe had gotten into a groove, there was no other way to describe it. They were bouncing theories off of each other, discussing strategies, and they were talking so closely and enthusiastically that many people in the room assumed they were old friends. Poe felt slightly guilty for how well he was getting along with him, but considering all of the progress they were making he decided to get over it.

They were discussing possible ways to breach one of the stronger occupied First Order bases when Ben stopped abruptly, mid-sentence. He looked troubled and Poe’s brow furrowed. “What’s wrong?” Ben ignored him for a moment, still staring straight ahead. Then he shook himself slightly and said “Rey’s upset. She’s crying, I don’t know why. I’m sorry, I have to go.” Poe’s eyes were wide but he immediately responded. “Yeah of course, go.”

A few minutes after Ben had stalked out of the tent Finn entered, looking over his shoulder. “What was that about?” Poe shook his head. “Do you know how strange it is to be talking to Kylo Ren, Kylo-fucking-Ren, only to have him leave because Rey might be upset for some reason? I mean he sensed that she was crying. What is that? And how does the baddest asshole in the galaxy turn tail because his girlfriend is having a bad day? I swear I don’t know up from down right now.”

Finn sighed and walked over to Poe, standing beside him and massaging his neck with one hand. “I don’t know. But you need to look out for yourself. If this gets to be too much you should tell Rey to keep him away for a while. Give yourself a break. This is a lot.” Poe looked at Finn fondly. “It’s not, not for me. I think you’re projecting.” Finn shifted uncomfortably. “You’re probably right. Anyway, I wonder what’s wrong with Rey?” Poe shrugged and returned to his place in front of the map. “If she wants us to know, she’ll tell us.”

“Anyway”, Poe continued, “Ren can weird me out all he wants, what matters is that we find all of these bases and stamp out the remnants of the First Order before they become something new. I don’t care about anything else.” Finn shifted slightly. “That must be a nice feeling.” Finn walked out of the tent at about the same moment Poe registered the defensiveness in his boyfriend’s tone. Poe was not known for his sensitivity, but he had known from the second Rey had told them about Ren’s survival that his most important task was to be there for Finn. He had the uncomfortable feeling that talking about how easy it was for him to deal with Ren was probably not the way to do it.

Ben had arrived at their house a mere five minutes after leaving Poe and saw Rey sitting on the bed, crying. He walked to the side of the bed and dropped to his knees, took Rey’s hand in his own and kissed it. “What’s wrong, Rey? What happened.” Rey’s breathing calmed a bit and she looked down at Ben. She didn’t know what she should say to him.

Earlier that day Rey had been preparing to leave when she opened the door and Lieutenant Connix was standing there, her fist raised to knock. She started talking, stammering a bit. “Rey, hello, sorry, I was hoping to catch you, there is something they need to give you, please come with me.” Rey obediently followed her to a tent not far from the command center, curious what could make the Lieutenant so nervous.

They walked inside the tent and one of the resistance soldiers wordlessly led them to the back and handed Rey something. Rey felt somehow reluctant to look down into her own hand. When she did, she wished she hadn’t. Leia’s necklace. It was a simple thing, a symbol of the force, small and unremarkable. Rey had seen it around her master’s neck many times.

Once she had trusted herself to speak, Rey cleared her throat and asked why the necklace had not been buried with Leia. Connix explained that Leia had specifically said it should go to her and Rey found herself feeling irrationally angry. She was not Leia’s family. Leia had a husband. Ben had murdered him. Leia had a brother. He had given his life to defeat Ben. The man she loved. Why should Rey be deserving of anything Leia had to leave behind?

In the end she had taken many deep breaths and left with the necklace. After all it was not the fault of anyone who had brought her there or given it to her. But she could barely contain her grief until she was back home. She sat down on the bed and cried. She cried for Leia. She cried for Han who did not deserve to die. She cried because she felt that of all the people in the galaxy, she felt she was the least worthy to own anything that Leia had possessed.

Some rational part of Rey’s brain whispered that nothing would have made Leia or Han happier than knowing their son was alive and on the right path, and that was in large part thanks to her, but she was too upset to listen to it. By the time Ben rushed into the room she had calmed down, but she had also made a decision. She couldn’t continue pouring all of her thoughts and anxieties into Ben, and channeling every experience through the lens of their relationship. It wasn’t good for either of them because at this rate she would end up completely disappearing into him, while he would be completely smothered by her constant worrying. She would love and support him always, but she also had to forge a life for herself that would mean something whether Ben was in it or not.

Ben seemed to accept her assertion that she was simply upset at receiving the gift because she missed Leia, but Rey suspected he knew she wasn’t telling him the whole truth. Trying to hide anything from each other was practically pointless, but how could she explain that the reason she felt unworthy of Leia’s belongings was because of her relationship with Ben? Especially because she knew that Ben’s mother would be nothing but grateful to Rey for loving and caring for her only child. Not all feelings were rational, and not all of them had to be shared.

The following day Ben was finished at the command center a lot earlier than usual. Poe had been called away to a meeting with some of his higher-ranking officers, and Ben was definitely not in that inner circle. Poe had told him to head home for the day and so he had. Rey wasn’t home, but he hadn’t expected her to be. She’d said the night before that she was going to “run the training course”, whatever that meant. Ben sat down at the table and wondered what he should do with himself for the rest of the day.

Ben wanted to leave the house and explore, to walk around the green planet that seemed quite beautiful, but he was worried about running into someone that might recognize him. He knew from Poe that no one who noticed him at the command center thus far had realized or even suspected who he was. He was the subject of mild speculation but it was generally accepted that since he had come back with Rey, he must be someone who had fought with her at some point in the war. Poe did nothing to dissuade them from that notion as it would lead to trouble he did not want or need. But if Ben started tromping all over the planet he would increase his odds of being spotted by someone who had seen his face. He knew the chances were extremely small, but he was still nervous.

He was saved from making this particular decision by a knock at the door. He wondered if it was Lieutenant Connix there to summon him back to the command center, but he opened the door and saw Finn standing there instead. Ben temporarily froze, but then gathered his thoughts quickly and spoke first. “Finn. Hello. Rey isn’t here.” Finn pierced him with a look. “I know. I’m here to talk to you.”

Ben moved to the side. “Come in.” Finn entered and glanced around. Ben felt supremely stupid for the words that were coming out of his mouth, but politeness seemed important. “Please, sit down. Do you want something to drink?” Finn looked as awkward and unsettled as Ben was. “If you have anything with a kick I’ll take it. If not, no thank you.” It was clear he had expected a different sort of reception and was now unsure how to act.

Ben dug in the cabinets and found a bottle of what he thought must be liquor. He poured some into two glasses and sat down across from Finn, placing one of the glasses in from of him. They both took a drink and made the same face. “Ugh.” Ben shook his head. Finn looked at his glass. “It’s actually decent, I think.” They looked at each other in silence. This time, Ben would wait for Finn to start. Finn had things he wanted to say and Ben, for his part, had nothing to say. He had no feelings whatsoever towards the former stormtrooper. He would hear Finn out and then do whatever damage control he could to make things easier for Rey.

Finn stared across the table and didn’t quite know what he was feeling. Kylo Ren looked different, he couldn’t deny it. Not just his clothes, although this man’s long-sleeved shirt and rumpled hair was a far cry from Kylo Ren’s seemingly 10-layer outfit, full-length cloak, and mask. No, the face itself was different as well. Ren looked tired. Finn’s heart rate had gone up slightly as he had sat down across from him nevertheless. However cuddly he’d decided to become, Ren could still kill him with a thought and Finn knew it. He cleared his throat slightly. “I don’t really know where to start.”

Ben used every ounce of his self-control not to sigh out loud. He knew that this moment might mean a lot to FN-2187, or Finn, and he wanted to care about that. He actually, really did. But he couldn’t. He was enduring this moment and pretending it had emotional weight, because he loved Rey. He looked at the handsome young man sitting across the table and felt almost no responsibility for the things that had happened to him.

Finn was barely younger than he was, Ben thought he could hardly be held responsible for something that had happened to Finn while Ben had still been playing with a wooden lightsaber in his backyard. But part of him was also aware that those thoughts made him an asshole, since he was certainly complicit in Finn’s continued trauma as an adult. Ben also knew that his apathy and his impatience were things he needed to continue to fight. He waited for Finn to continue.

Finn took a deep breath. “I guess I mostly want to talk about the kids.” Ben looked confused. “What kids?” Finn took another drink. “The kids. The ones the First Order kidnapped and put into the stormtrooper program.” Ben again repressed a sigh, this time because he realized he was not going to be of much help here. “General Hux was the one in charge of the stormtrooper program so I know very little about it.”

Finn leaned forward. “Well ‘very little’ is more than I know. I want to find my family if they’re still alive. Do you know if parents were ever allowed to live, or was it general policy to slaughter them after you stole their children?” Ben did not seem even slightly offended or defensive, which made Finn start to feel angry. He didn’t necessarily want to fight with Ren but he also wanted some sort of emotional reaction from him. Instead Ren just looked thoughtful. “I don’t think it was policy, no. They only took children from the poorest planets to be sure that no one would have the resources to try to get them back, and they would hardly have bothered to use that means of selection if they were just going to kill all of the relatives anyway.”

Finn couldn’t believe Ren could say the words with a complete lack of self-consciousness. He was talking about the First Order committing atrocities as casually as he might discuss what he was having for dinner. He felt his anger growing, but Ren saying “relatives” as opposed to “parents” opened up a new line of thought for him. “When you say relatives, do you mean extended family, or did the First Order not take all of the children from every family? Could I have had siblings that weren’t taken?”

Ren shrugged. “Obviously I don’t know if you personally had siblings, but if you had I doubt they were taken. The officers found that if they only took one child the parents could accept it more easily since they had others to care for. Plus the children would have to be the right age. Too young and they would still need to be nursed, too old and they would be too difficult to control. The odds of a family having two children at the appropriate age would be slim.”

The idea that he might have siblings alive somewhere made Finn’s heart lurch. He started to feel his emotions become overwhelming so he decided it was time to wrap up the conversation before he betrayed any of what he was feeling in front of this man. He cleared his throat. “Okay so, poor planets. People who couldn’t fight back, got it. Anything else you might be able to tell me? There are a lot of poor planets in the galaxy.” Ben thought for a moment. “Hux said once that they avoided planets with any sort of large, organized police force? I think that’s all.”

Finn stood up to leave when Ben’s face suddenly cleared. “Wait, Finn, I have an idea.” Finn sat back down. “First Order records. There’s no way that the First Order didn’t keep a record of every child they acquired. They were meticulous with record-keeping, Hux especially.” Finn couldn’t help but notice Ren’s use of the word “they” as opposed to “we”, but he forced himself to ignore it in light of this new information. “How does that help me? Wouldn’t the records have been destroyed on Starkiller Base?”

Ben shook his head. “No, the First Order records were never confined to one place, for that very reason. There are copies of the records in multiple locations- basically every base they had. If Poe can somehow take one of the bases without destroying its operating systems, I’d be able to unlock the records.” Finn again stood up, feeling a glimmer of excitement in spite of himself. He didn’t have it in him to thank Ren, so he nodded abruptly in his direction and left. He needed to talk to Poe.


	8. New Missions

Rey arrived back at the house sore and exhausted. She had really let herself get lazy the past few weeks and she was paying for it today. The training course was somehow a lot more difficult that she remembered. It had been fun though, she had forgotten how good it felt to accomplish a simple goal. BB-8 had gone with her, excited to get out of the camp and watch something entertaining. No one had needed him much since the war was over so these days he just sort of hung around Poe in case there was a way he could be helpful. He enjoyed spinning along beside Rey, who had thankfully not dropped a tree on him this time.

Ben was sitting at the table when she got home and Rey stopped to kiss him before collapsing onto the bed. Ben walked in after her, looking amused. “Did you have fun?” Rey groaned slightly in response. Ben sat next to her on the bed. “I might have to try whatever this is, I could definitely use some training. I can’t remember the last time I got more exercise than walking to and from the command center. Unless sex counts.” Rey snorted. “I’d like to see you try it too.” Ben’s tone became more serious. “Finn came to see me.” Rey sat up, her fatigue suddenly gone. “And?” Ben looked at her. “Honestly, I’m not sure. We certainly didn’t bare our souls or bond or anything, but I thought of a way I might be able to help him.”

Ben explained the conversation he’d had with Finn and Rey decided she would go straight to Poe in the morning and offer to help. If she could help Poe secure a base and get those records, it would perhaps be a small way she could make things up to Finn. She hoped like hell his family was still alive but even knowing who they were might provide a familial connection and a closure for Finn that he probably never thought would be possible.

Finn had left Rey’s and gone straight back to the house he and Poe now shared. They hadn’t really discussed it in terms of “moving in together”, but as new recruits began arriving living space had become an issue and the two of them had decided to share housing in order to accommodate more people. Neither had been used to having so much privacy or solitude anyway. Finn had always bunked with other stormtroopers and Poe was used to sharing quarters with other resistance fighters. Living together hadn’t changed their relationship much as they had spent most of their time together anyway. They stole each other’s clothes more, that was about it.

Finn entered the house and saw that Poe hadn’t yet returned from the command center. He was usually home by now but Finn figured he would be there soon enough and began making some stew in order to distract himself. He took several deep breaths. What if this worked? What if he actually found his parents, and they were still alive? Did he have siblings? Aunts? Uncles? Were any of his family members still alive? He realized in that moment he would never feel whole again until he found out, one way or the other.

Poe walked into the house and said “Hey you” as he passed Finn and headed to the back room to take a quick bath. “That smells good, I’m starving!” he added over his shoulder. About twenty minutes later he walked back into the kitchen in pajama pants and no shirt, drying his hair with a towel. It was only after he had ladled some stew into a bowl and joined Finn at the table that he realized Finn had not spoken a word since Poe had walked through the door. Poe studied his face. He wondered if he had done something wrong but Finn didn’t look angry or upset, just anxious and distracted. “What’s going on?” Poe asked in a gentle tone, feeling a little guilty it took him so long to notice that Finn wasn’t himself.

Finn knew from experience that Poe would be all but useless until he had a chance to clean up and eat something, so he hadn’t launched into his story the second Poe had walked through the door. He’d been waiting impatiently for Poe to join him at the table but now that he had he wasn’t sure how to start. He waited for Poe to realize something was up and ask him about it before he finally spoke up. “I talked to Ren today.”

Poe raised an eyebrow. “Finally, huh? How did that go? You’re alive and talking to me, which means you managed to refrain from punching him.” Finn snorted. “Who says I would’ve lost? All I would’ve had to do is land one good one- he can’t choke anyone when he’s unconscious.” Poe smiled and shook his head, waiting for Finn to continue. “It went as well as I could’ve expected. Better actually, since the dickhole actually gave me useful information.”

Finn repeated the conversation he’d had with Ren and as he got through it his tone became increasingly animated. He was still trying to control his excitement, with difficulty. He’d heard a very old saying once from one of his commanding officers- “There’s many a slip ‘twixt the cup and the lip.” He only knew what the hell “’twixt” meant because of context, but despite the strange terminology it had for some reason lodged itself in his brain as an important piece of wisdom. It certainly seemed relevant to his current situation. There were many ways in which this could fail along the way.

First, Ren might be stretching the truth just to seem helpful to impress Rey, and extracting the records might pose more of a challenge than he had implied. Second, he might be flat-out lying just to mess with Finn’s head or to amuse himself, though Finn doubted Ren would dare cross Rey in that way. Third, he could be telling the truth but the mission could just as easily fail. Of course the final wrinkle was that the mission might succeed and they would get the information, but then he might find out that he had no living family members left. That would be better than not finding out anything at all but it would bring with it a different kind of pain. The odds of getting lucky that many times… but he couldn’t help himself. This was the only time he’d been remotely close to even the slim possibility of finding his family.

Finn had prepared a whole pitch about how a mission to get the records might also benefit their cause as a whole since they could get other pertinent records besides the ones he wanted personally, but it turned out to be completely unnecessary. He had barely finished relaying the information before Poe took over where Finn had left off. “Okay well that’s certainly something to go on. Tomorrow morning we meet up in the command center and lay out a plan. We’ll figure it out and then we’ll get it done.”

Finn looked skeptical. “Poe, should you really put other missions on the back-burner for this? It’s hardly an urgent priority and the soldiers might not look kindly on more important missions being pushed to the side because the commander’s boyfriend wants to find his mommy and daddy.”

Poe looked at him fondly in a way that clearly said, “You adorable idiot” and stood up from the table to put his bowl in the sink. He turned around and leaned against the counter. “Do you think I care? I’m the commander. If I thought this would jeopardize other missions or the resistance itself I would delay it. But it won’t put the resistance in any danger, it’ll only slightly delay a few recon missions that aren’t even time-sensitive. I decide what missions are essential and urgent, and you being happy is essential to me. Plus, there should be at least some advantages to sleeping with the boss.”

Poe said the last part with a grin, and Finn’s heart melted the way it always did when Poe smiled that way. The fact that he hadn’t even had to try to convince him the task was also beneficial to the resistance filled him with more love than he’d ever felt. Being with Poe was the first time in his life he had felt taken care of by anyone and he was still getting used to it.

Finn walked over to Poe and wrapped his arms around his waist, but before Finn could even kiss him Poe looked at him with a serious expression. “Finn, you know this plan will heavily involve Ren. He’s going to be in the planning sessions, he’s going to be part of the mission. One conversation is one thing- are you going to be able to work with him? If there’s tension and animosity it’s going to undermine the mission. If there’s one thing I know from experience, if you don’t trust or respect your teammates your chances of succeeding go down dramatically. I know you probably aren’t able to trust him, but can you respect his expertise enough to rely on his information and instructions? Because if not maybe you should sit this one out and just have faith that I’m going to see this through.”

Finn thought about it. “You’re right, I don’t trust him. But I trust that he knows what he’s doing when it comes to getting those records and I don’t think he would betray us. Because of Rey, and to be clear, only because of Rey. He doesn’t give the tiniest flying fuck whether or not I find my family, and I’m actually glad he didn’t insult me by trying to pretend otherwise. Honestly I don’t believe that throwing me out an airlock or betraying the resistance would make him feel a split-second of guilt, but doing either would mean losing Rey and I don’t think he’s going to risk that. I really hate to say it, but his love for Rey is palpable.” Poe nodded. “It’s weird, isn’t it? You can actually physically feel it when they’re in the same room.”

Finn shook his head. “It’s a little uncomfortable, like you’re spying on something private that you shouldn’t be seeing, even when they’re just standing next to each other. I don’t see how something like that can possibly be faked. So in this context yes, strangely I trust him. Now can we please go to bed because the last time we fucked against the counter I had to make up a story explaining how we broke all of the dishes in the house and the Twi’lek who makes them definitely knew I was lying.”

The next morning saw Poe, Finn, Ben and Rey all gathered together in the command center. The usual underlying awkward tension was outweighed by the excitement of everyone but Ben. Rey and Poe were trying to contain theirs so as to not get Finn’s hopes up, but they were having a hard time. With Ben’s help they had located a base that seemed like the perfect choice to try to take intact. It was small and remote, so there was even a chance that no First Order troops had even gathered there. If it was manned it would have to be with a pretty small number. Unfortunately, disabling or destroying the weapons or defense system on any base without damaging any other systems would be difficult. Finally Ben spoke up. “I have an idea. We might be able to take the base without any risk of damage to the information we need.” The others all looked up.

Ben sighed inwardly. Why not? If he died helping the stormtrooper at least that would be one good deed to stack up against all of his other ones. Not that Ben was actually worried about it. The day he let any First Order officer get the better of him was the day he deserved to die. “I go in, alone. I can’t see how any of the First Order troops would know exactly what happened on Exegol. If I present myself as their leader and get inside, I can extract the records and then disable the weapons systems. I have the clearance to lock everyone else out of it. By the time anyone realizes how it happens I can find an excuse to get out and you can destroy the base.”

Rey immediately shook her head. “Too dangerous. They might know.” Finn threw a glance at Rey. “Let’s not dismiss it out of hand. Like he says, how would they know?” Poe sensed trouble and cleared his throat. “I think it’s worth considering. But what possible explanation can you give them for disappearing for over a month? Not to mention that, unless I’m mistaken, your Darth Vader costume is no longer intact. Do they even know what you look like without it?”

Ben’s eyes had darkened slightly at Poe’s Darth Vader comment but he forced himself to let it pass. “Yes, they saw my face. I usually only put on the mask if I was leaving the ship, and for a while I didn’t wear one at all.” Rey still looked troubled. “What if they don’t buy it? Then you’re down there, alone, facing possibly dozens of soldiers.” Ben smiled slightly. “I can handle dozens of soldiers.”

In the end it was three to one and Rey had reluctantly climbed on board. She still didn’t like it, but Ben had seemed determined and she couldn’t exactly tell him what to do. If she had fought him on it much longer she could also tell she was going to have a very pissed-off Finn on her hands. This was a delicate balancing act she was keeping up and she knew better than to let it tip to one side or the other. She gave in.

They had decided to keep the mission as small-scale as possible in order to minimize the risk of any errant ship damaging the base before Ben could get the records. It would be them in the Falcon and only three other ships. Thanks to Ben pointing out the vulnerable spots any one of them had the firepower to destroy one small base, but they wanted to be prepared in case they were met with more resistance than expected.

Finn had wanted to leave the very next day, but Poe had to find someone to put in charge and then make sure they were briefed on all operations in case he didn’t return. It was standard procedure. He would have preferred Rey to stay behind and handle it since she had no real role in the mission they were undertaking anyway, but he knew better than to ask. This was the first time Ben would be going out into the field for them and Poe knew there was no way in hell she was sitting it out.

It ended up being almost a week later that they were boarding the Falcon. Chewie had insisted on coming too for some reason, and no one was inclined to argue with him. Ben ceded the pilot’s seat to Poe and situated himself at the holochess table. It was one thing to fly the Falcon when it had just been Rey and Chewie, but doing it with Finn and Poe there seemed presumptuous and just plain shitty. Luckily it would only take them a matter of hours to reach the base.

Finn stayed in the cockpit with Chewie and Poe for most of the trip, while Rey sat with Ben and wondered if it would always feel like she was now on a separate team than her friends. The three of them had been an airtight unit for so long, and now she felt like she was on the outside looking in. It certainly wasn’t their fault but it hurt all the same.

Ben had actually considered asking Rey to stay behind as well, but like Poe had also realized it would be pointless. He wanted her with him more than anything but he was worried it might end up being more stressful for her than she realized. This was the first time Ben was putting himself in any dangerous situation since Exegol and he could already sense the tension growing in Rey’s body. He put his arms around her and drew her into his chest, trying to use their connection to pull the stress out of her body and into his own. He could feel it work as she relaxed slightly and his body tensed up. “It’s going to be fine. I don’t know if you remember but I actually do know how to fight, and I will if I have to.”

Ben could feel Rey shake her head slightly against his chest and her voice came out muffled, and a little sulky. “It’s been a long time. You’re out of practice.” Rey looked up at him and said more seriously, “What if we just assume there’s going to be a fight and go in together? The two of us can take a base that’s probably only got a handful of stormtroopers on it, we could do that in our sleep.”

Ben smiled slightly. “You know that’s a bad plan. They could destroy their whole system to prevent us from accessing it. You know we stand a better chance of getting the information undamaged if we do it my way.” Rey huffed and put her head back on his chest. Ben hugged her tighter and kissed the top of her head. “You know you’re too good for me, right?” He felt Rey nod her head yes and he smiled into her hair. “Just trying to be sure I say it at least once a week or so.” Rey laughed in spite of herself. “Well it never starts being any less true.”

As they approached the base Rey felt her anxiety skyrocket. What if she lost Ben? What if the soldiers didn’t recognize him, or they did but had somehow found out he had betrayed the First Order? She knew that as much as her friends loved her, they would not prioritize Ben’s safety the way that she would. The thought made her uneasy. She was worried it might occur to them that it would be better for everyone if Ben did not return from this mission.

The Falcon had landed far enough away from the base that it couldn’t be detected, and as a consequence Ben had to cross quite a bit of distance to get to it. He didn’t know what possible excuse he could have for landing his ship so far away but he figured he would think of something, or better yet just choke anyone who dared to question him. He couldn’t think of a better way to convince them he was the same Supreme Leader they remembered. As Poe had oh-so-helpfully pointed out, Ben didn’t have his old clothes, so he made do by dressing in all black and donning a black hooded cloak. Maybe not quite as intimidating but close enough. He trudged along, trying to remember what had possessed him to suggest this in the first place.

The First Order base was built into the side of a mountain and as Ben drew close he expected at any moment to be fired upon. He readied himself to use the force to stop any blaster fire that might come from the base, and at the same time tried to get into his old mind-set. He had to remember to act as Kylo Ren would have acted and not this new, worn-out, slightly more patient version of himself would act. Ren’s temper had a hair-trigger. He grew closer and finally he saw a door slide open. Apparently they had not considered one man to be enough of a threat to kill him right away. A stormtrooper exited the base with his blaster drawn. “You! Hands up!”

Ben did no such thing. Instead he shouted, “Tell whoever is in charge that Kylo Ren has returned and this base is now under my command.” The stormtrooper’s weapon dropped slightly and he shifted uncomfortably. “What did you- ” Before he could finish Ben used the force to pin him to the side of the structure, then walked past him through the open door. A handful of troopers faced him with their blasters drawn. Ben repeated the order he had given the trooper outside and at least a few of the troopers must have recognized him because they immediately put away their weapons. The others looked around at their comrades, and after some furious whispering, holstered theirs as well. Ben nodded and kept walking, the stormtroopers falling in behind him.

Although Ben had not been to this particular base, most of them were built similarly and he had a pretty good notion of where the command center might be. He strode in and spotted the only person not in stormtrooper armor, and correctly guessed that she was the person in charge. He had hoped that whoever was commanding the base would recognize him and save him the trouble of dropping some bodies, and immediately the phrase “be careful what you wish for” dropped into his brain as he recognized Lara, his former classmate. She turned as he entered and her eyes widened. “Supreme Leader! My apologies, we didn’t know that you were coming! We didn’t even know that you still lived.”

Ben walked briskly over to her, reminding himself to keep his face blank and his tone irritated. “It doesn’t matter. Tell me everything that’s been happening here.” The officer relayed their story, which was essentially what he had expected. After the final battle the remaining First Order troops had scattered, then slowly began re-assembling on the First Order bases that hadn’t been discovered or destroyed.

They had started building a central communication network however, so Poe’s worry that they were on their way to posing a substantial threat suddenly did not seem to be as baseless as Ben had secretly thought it was. Maybe it was pure conceit, but without himself or any other Sith Lord he didn’t see how they would build a centralized command. He had thought that with no clear leader they would fight amongst themselves and vie for control. It turned out that there were more true believers among the officers than he would have guessed, and they were all getting along shockingly well.

After Lara’s report, instead of immediately relieving her of command he instructed her to hold the command center while he found quarters and food for himself. He walked off and a stormtrooper led him to what was apparently the best room. It had a former occupant, if the stormtroopers hurriedly carrying armfuls of belongings out of it was any indication.

Once they were gone he waited a few minutes and then exited the room, looking for the nearest console. He found it and entered his access code, and quickly pulled up the entirety of the First Order’s records. He located the stormtrooper program files and saved them to a portable unit. Easy enough. But now he had to disable the weapons system, and the only place he could do that was in the command center.

He went back to his room for about half an hour to make it seem like he was settling in, and then headed back to the command center where Lara was busy with something at one of the stations. There were now five other officers there. Ben suspected these were the only other officers on the base and that they had come to see for themselves that Kylo Ren was back. Besides the officers he estimated there were about thirty or so stormtroopers in total stationed at the base, although only seven of them were present in the command center. Lara snapped to attention when he entered. “Supreme Leader, I have informed the other commanding officers of your return.” Ben’s expression darkened. “Who told you to do that?”

Lara flushed slightly. “No one, Supreme Leader, I apologize.” Ben walked over to her and stood just close enough to make her uncomfortable. “When I want my officers to know something, I will tell them.” She lifted her eyes to meet his, with some difficulty. “Yes, Supreme Leader. It’s just- ” She stopped. Ben’s gaze grew even more intense. “Just what.” Lara summoned all of her strength. “Some of the other officers have heard rumors and are asking where you’ve been these past weeks. Not one base has heard from you.” Ben kept staring at her, allowing the silence to become uncomfortable while he considered his next move.

Back when he was in command no officer would ever have dared to say something like that to his face, which made him realize he was being tested. Perhaps it was his long absence combined with the fact that she had known him as Ben Solo, but she was issuing a challenge. By questioning him in front of the others she was calling him weak. Had there not been other officers there, Ben would have liked to think he would’ve just scared Lara, or cut off her air supply for a few minutes. But after he used the force to break her neck he realized it was also because she was a piece of his past. A piece that he hated.

After Ben ordered a stormtrooper to remove the body he turned to look at the other officers, who all but scattered to different stations and tried to look busy. Once they were no longer staring at him he walked over to the station Lara had been using to communicate with the other bases. One helpful side effect of swiftly and brutally killing someone in front of other people is that those people tend to strenuously avoid your gaze for at least the next hour or so. No one dared look in his direction as he punched his code into the controls. Once he had disabled both the weapons systems and the defensive systems, he locked everyone else out of the controls and stalked off the bridge. He strode towards the exit, figuring that as long as he looked purposeful no one would question him. No one did.

Once Ben was a good distance away from the base he radioed Poe. “I have the records and the base is defenseless. Take it out.” One of the ships that accompanied them flew overhead a few moments later and fired on the base as Ben made his way back to the Falcon. He didn’t bother turning around to see it destroyed. He knew there was no way for the base to defend itself and that the Resistance wouldn’t leave a stone standing.

Now that he was making his way back to the ship, and consequently to Rey, Ben finally started feeling uncomfortable with what he had done. Not that he had killed Lara, after all she would have been dead either way. But there was some discomfort in the thought that had flashed across his mind as he had done so.

It was unbidden, and certainly unwanted. But as he felt the surge of power flow through him and watched his former classmate crumple to the ground, his treacherous brain had informed him that he had missed this. He hoped it was the power he had missed and not the violence, but he honestly didn’t know. The two had become fused in his mind after going hand in hand for so many years and he wasn’t sure whether he could even separate them anymore.

\--------------------

As soon as Ben left the Falcon Finn left the cockpit and joined Rey at the holochess table. He could see she was anxious but trying her best not to show it, and he felt a small stab of guilt. Even if he couldn’t be fully sympathetic he should at least be able to be there for his best friend in some small way. He knew she had to be feeling completely alone at the moment.

He also had to grudgingly admit (inwardly) that Ben was in fact putting his life on the line by walking into that base. He was well aware Ben was doing it for Rey and not for him, but the fact remained that he was risking his life for information that wasn’t even necessary or relevant to their cause. Regardless of his motivation, the man was doing him a personal favor. That fact didn’t necessarily make him feel grateful, as it was honestly the least he could do as far as Finn was concerned, but it did make him think he should at the very least support Rey through it.

Finn squeezed Rey’s hand briefly. “How are you holding up?” Rey had been staring down at the table and started slightly when Finn finally spoke. “Fine. I just hate being stuck here, waiting.” Finn leaned forward. “Rey, there’s nothing you can do right now. Just try not to think about it. If there’s anything I know about Ben it’s that he’s more than capable of taking care of himself. He won’t hesitate to kill anyone who gets in his way.”

Although the sentiment Finn was expressing was hardly complimentary, Rey’s eyes instantly widened and a startled, almost hopeful expression came over her face. Finn looked at her, confused. Then suddenly he realized he’d never used any name but Ren to refer to Ben Solo. He had made it a point not to even use it in his head, so that he would never forget what the man actually was. But ever since he had volunteered for this mission and they had worked on planning it together Finn had gradually started mentally using Ben’s real name without intending to or even realizing it. And now it had slipped out. He sighed inwardly. Shit.

Finn almost wanted to walk it back but it had made Rey so obviously happy he didn’t have the heart to do it. He could only hope she wouldn’t read too much into it. Although it was true he was starting to see Ben Solo in Kylo Ren, he still very much saw Kylo Ren in Ben Solo. He decided to just skate past it. “Anyway, just breathe and try to distract yourself. What about a game?” Finn gestured down at the table. Rey smiled slightly. “I don’t think I’d be able to focus, but thanks.” Finn took her hand again and held it. “I know you feel like Poe and I are not as close with you anymore, and I know things are still weird between us. It will get better. It already is getting better, isn’t it?”

Rey felt tears sting her eyes. She had needed to hear that more than Finn could possibly have known. She couldn’t manage words so she just nodded her head. Finn could tell she wanted to be left alone so he squeezed her hand one more time and then got up and headed back into the cockpit.

Poe looked up as he entered. “How’d it go?” Finn sighed. “Good, I guess. I made her feel better by accidentally calling him “Ben”, and then I made her cry.” Poe shrugged. “Things will get better between you.” Chewie had gone back to one of the bunks to get some rest while they waited, so Finn plunked down into the co-pilot’s chair. “Yeah, that’s what I told her. Maybe you should go talk to her, it’s easier for you and I’d feel better if I thought she could at least talk to one of us.” Poe leaned over and kissed him. “This was always going to be more complicated for you. Don’t rush it. In the meantime I promise I’ll try harder to be there for her.”

The atmosphere in the Falcon became more and more tense as the time passed. Rey’s anxiety was palpable and it was slowly infecting all of them. Finally Poe all but bullied her into playing a card game he had picked up during his days as a spice runner, and with all four of them sitting around the table together the mood lightened somewhat. Poe’s good humor could be as infectious as Rey’s moods when he decided to turn it on, and he told stories and joked around until Rey seemed to relax, at least a bit.

When they finally heard from Ben even Poe and Finn audibly exhaled. The idea of how Rey would react if Ben did indeed fail to return was by this point actually scaring them. Chewie had been quiet for most of the trip and it had been hard for the others to know what he’d been feeling, but his verbal reaction showed that he was relieved to hear his nephew’s voice on the communicator as well.

If Rey had talked to Chewbacca instead of Finn she would have found that she was far from alone in the anxiety she was feeling. Chewie had gone to the back of the ship telling Poe he was going to rest, but really he just wanted to be alone with his thoughts. Unlike Rey, Chewie wasn’t worried that Ben would die. Not only was his nephew powerful, Chewie had the strong sense he was also still ruthless. Chewie’s fear was that Ben would fail this first test of his character. Being among First Order soldiers again and stepping into the role of their leader, even falsely, seemed reckless to Chewie. The temptation to return to the fold and take back that position of power might be too strong. He was worried that Ben wasn’t ready and he desperately hoped he was wrong.

The more time that had passed on Ajan Kloss the more Chewbacca had felt his natural optimism returning. Ben was getting along with everyone, even Finn, much better than Chewie had expected. The short temper he’d known his nephew to have since he was a baby was somehow now under control. He had been watching Ben closely and although he saw his impatience show itself more than once, every single time he had watched his nephew close his eyes and breathe, and let it fall away. He hadn’t seen Ben lose his temper even once, and Finn was constantly throwing cutting remarks his way at the beginning. It seemed nothing short of miraculous to Chewie.

After Ben and Rey had settled into a routine Chewie had even started coming by their house for dinner every once in a while. They didn’t talk a whole lot while he was there, at least Chewie didn’t, but he felt like it was his responsibility to keep tabs on his nephew and be on the lookout for trouble. But trouble had not materialized, and despite himself Chewie felt himself soften further towards Ben, and even grow hopeful for his future.

It had taken a while but Chewie was aware that he truly wanted his nephew to succeed, and now not only for Rey’s sake. But getting along with people in a peaceful environment and helping the resistance when it was seemingly his only option was one thing. Putting himself in this situation was something completely different. Chewie had sat nervously on his own until he heard the crackle of the communicator, and as soon as Ben’s voice came through he had joined the others, feeling every bit as relieved as Rey was.

As soon as Ben walked back onto the Falcon Poe lifted off, and all three Resistance ships headed back to the base. Rey had thrown herself into Ben’s arms immediately in her relief, and it occurred to Finn this was the first time they had been physically affectionate in front of him. He realized this was probably yet another way Rey was trying to make things easier for him, and he hadn’t even noticed. He made a mental note to let her know it wasn’t necessary, since it honestly didn’t even make the list of the issues he had with the situation.

Once Rey had released him, Ben had walked over to Finn and silently dropped the data unit into his hand. He then turned back to Rey and they sat down on a bench. Rey turned sideways so her legs were folded across his and her head lay against his chest. Ben wrapped his arms around her and they sat there quietly, not having said a single word to each other.

Finn didn’t relish the idea of cramming into the cockpit that was meant for two people for the whole journey back as well, so he asked Chewie if he could co-pilot. Chewie shrugged and headed back to where Ben and Rey were sitting. He sat down at the holochess table a short distance away from them and Ben said something quietly to Rey then walked over to join him.

Chewie looked up as Ben sat down. “How did it go?” Ben looked at Chewie and wondered how much he could, or should say to him about the experience. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to bring himself to tell Rey how it had made him feel, so with Chewie he suddenly decided to just be honest. He reminded himself that letting his dark thoughts fester was part of what got him here in the first place, and besides, if anyone already knew the worst of him it was his uncle.

Chewie had stayed silent as Ben told him the whole story. Once he was done he waited for his uncle to tell him he was as awful as he ever was, but Chewie just shook his head. “Of course you felt that way. Using the force always felt good to you, whether you were using it for good or bad.” Ben frowned. “But I should have felt something killing that officer. I should have felt the wrongness of it, even if it didn’t really matter. I certainly shouldn’t have felt good.”

Chewie snorted. “Did you rejoin them? Did you even consider putting on a mask and becoming Kylo Ren again?” Ben shook his head slowly. “No. All of those soldiers seemed like mindless drones to me, and their mission so pointless and alien I barely remember what it felt like to believe in it. Like I knew them in another life. That brief surge of gratification aside I felt nothing except impatience to get out of there.”

Chewie looked almost amused. “Do me a favor. Every time you’re worried that you’re still evil, or destructive, or whatever else, stop and ask yourself what your actions were. Not what you felt, but what you actually did. Because what you just did was complete the mission you volunteered for and change Finn’s life for the better by doing it. Forget your motivations, forget your feelings, and for now, just worry about doing the right thing. In every situation you can. Whether it feels good, whether it doesn’t feel good, even if you feel nothing at all about it.”

Ben smiled faintly. “Are you telling me to fake it ‘til I make it?” Chewie shook his head. “I guess I am. But I’m also telling you to get out of your head. You’ve spent enough time in your life thinking about yourself and agonizing over your own inner struggles. So maybe try something different because if I’m being honest, it’s always been kind of insufferable.”

After they arrived back at Ajan Kloss it soon became obvious that the mission had been something of a turning point for all of them. In the weeks that followed Finn once again became a regular visitor to the command center as he had been before Ben’s arrival. Even though he wasn’t involved in the work there he tended to drop by to see Poe at least once every few days, usually to bring him food and force him to take a break. But now he had a mission of his own, and that was the only place the technology he needed to make progress was accessible. Soon he was there almost every day and had delegated most of his other responsibilities.

Being at the command center meant Finn had become increasingly used to Ben’s presence, especially since he needed him to help interpret the data Ben had stolen. As Finn became more relaxed around Ben, Poe felt more relaxed, because in truth it had been taking more and more of an effort for him to remember not to be too friendly or familiar with Ben whenever Finn was around. He was starting to be able to worry less about hurting Finn by what was by now turning into a form of friendship between the two former enemies.

Poe had been comfortable around Ben fairly quickly, and it had been surprisingly easy for him to separate Ben from Kylo Ren. Maybe it was because he hadn’t spent very long around Ren, or maybe it was because Ben was helping so much. Or maybe, Poe thought, he was just shallower than his friends in general. He didn’t think they would be making friendship bracelets for each other anytime soon but you have to have some level of respect and trust for the people you are fighting alongside, and he was fighting alongside Ben more and more.

Ben had also started taking more of an active role in the execution of missions as opposed to just the planning, and since he was the best pilot they had outside of Poe it seemed silly not to utilize him. Poe was taking down base after base with minimal casualties on their side, and the remaining First Order troops were running scared.

Poe wondered if the First Order realized, or at least suspected, how it was that the Resistance was seemingly in possession of all of their secrets and protocols. Ben did his fighting from the air, and this was mostly because Poe wanted to keep the secret of Ben’s involvement from the remnants of the First Order as long as he could. If Ben were on the ground it would only be a matter of time before someone recognized him. But it hadn’t been a big issue anyway since Ben was now spending most of his time helping Finn and only helping Poe on occasion.

Ben’s first mission to the First Order base had ended up being the only one Rey accompanied him on. She had already realized she needed to find a purpose in life outside of Ben and going on that trip had only solidified her resolve. She couldn’t live her life gripped with panic about Ben’s safety, and if she saw him fighting battles that’s exactly what would happen. So she continued her training, began to search for others in the galaxy who could wield the force, and let Ben do his work. She saw the three men in her life slowly start to warm up to each other and it made her happier than she had been since they had won the war. She repressed her excitement. It felt strangely fragile to her, like if she acknowledged it or pointed it out it might dissolve.

Extracting the First Order records turned out to be a more difficult task than Finn had anticipated. First Order equipment was specifically designed to only work inside of First Order systems. Ben had used a data unit from the base because he knew that saving the data to a non-First Order unit would be time consuming, and he figured they were better off getting the data back to their base and working on unlocking it at their leisure. But that meant it would take a while to break into the unit since it was nearly impossible from anywhere besides a First Order ship or base.

As Finn had worked alongside Ben they were polite, and although he never got the sense Ben particularly wanted to be there he also never complained or gave up working until Finn did. Ben never attempted to speak to Finn as though they were friends, and far from being offended by Ben’s formal tone Finn found that he appreciated it. He had realized in the time since his first one-on-one conversation with Ben that he didn’t actually want any kind of apology from him after all. He would never believe the sincerity of it, but more importantly, he didn’t want to be asked to forgive the unforgivable.

Ben had been part of a machine and that machine had stolen the greater part of Finn’s life. But Ben was not the machine. He was one man who had made shitty, evil choices. Finn knew he would never forgive Ben for the things he had done and the things he’d been complicit in, but he had also stopped blaming him for the things he wasn’t actually responsible for. He no longer felt the need to toss angry or passive-aggressive comments at Ben and he realized his anger was slowly ebbing away. Seeing how happy he made Rey, and how fiercely he loved and protected her, was also a factor. Ben gave Finn space when they weren’t actively working together and kept the tone of their conversations professional when they were. As a result Finn relaxed, as he realized he had been tensing up for a confrontation that would never come, because he no longer needed it.

Finn had a basic knowledge of First Order equipment and operating systems and Ben had all of the higher-level codes needed to bypass the securities that were in place, so together they eventually unlocked the unit. Once it was unlocked they easily found the Project Resurrection records, which was the name the First Order had given its clandestine operation of child abduction and brainwashing. It turned out the First Order did not record the names of the families when they abducted the children. Instead they listed the only the name of the planet, and sometimes the town or city the child had been taken from, alongside their new designation. Beside his former “name”, FN-2187, he saw he had been taken from a small planet in the outer rim.

Although Rey had wanted to help Finn find his family, Poe had insisted that she stay. Poe didn’t like all of them being gone from the base at once. He believed it left the base vulnerable, and since Ben wasn’t coming on this mission he knew he could guilt Rey into staying behind. Rey was the most powerful fighter they had, and both he and Finn insisted they would feel better knowing she was there while they were away. Especially since they had no idea how long it would take. So Rey had reluctantly agreed and watched them fly away in the Falcon a few days later.

With Poe and Finn gone and Rey having no interest in doing it, Ben had been put in charge of the command center. It was the first time the responsibility had been entrusted to him, and thinking about it still made his head spin a little. Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order, in charge of the resistance base that was instrumental in bringing down his forces. The strangest thing about it was how strange it didn’t feel. He knew all of the officers and soldiers by now and running the operations had become second nature after working alongside Poe for so long.

The fact that Poe trusted him with this task, and that Finn had accepted that Poe trusted him, was more than enough for Ben. He had managed to create a cordial working relationship with Finn and he had even developed a genuine affection for Poe. Instead of thinking of them as members of Rey’s family he had to get along with he had slowly come to think of them as people who mattered to his own life. In Finn’s case a fellow soldier, and in Poe’s case a peer, and something now dangerously close to a trusted friend. It wasn’t very long ago that he wouldn’t have cared less, but now the fact that his trust was seemingly returned felt genuinely gratifying.

Ben still couldn’t truly say that he felt a great passion for the work he was doing but these days it did seem to be bringing him a sort of peace. At first he enjoyed the off-planet missions the most- he had always loved being a fighter pilot and the battles with the First Order were scratching whatever itch it was he still had to fight. He still relished his power, and sometimes he would forego the use of guns altogether and just use the force to crush other ships with his mind. But something was changing in him, so subtly it took him a while to notice it. He still didn’t mind the missions, but they were becoming less exhilarating and more tedious.

Ben had rediscovered his long lost passion for learning about the Jedi and Sith that had come before him, and whenever he had free time he had begun hunting down old temples and libraries, just as he had once done with his uncle. It felt like several lifetimes ago to him now. He especially collected and hoarded any books he could find. Jedi texts, histories of the Sith, personal diaries of those who were alive during the old wars. Having lived on both sides of this ancient conflict he was now seeing a bigger picture, and he was finding that more and more he got greater satisfaction from being alone with his books than he did from shooting down TIE fighters. Who knew, maybe eventually he would even write his own story.


	9. Home

Two years later Rey was looking in the mirror, fidgeting in a dress that was much more formal that she was used to. Ben came up behind her, looking gorgeous in his formal wear, and kissed the side of her neck. “You look beautiful. Can we please go? If we’re late Finn’s going to blame me, not you.” Rey turned around and put her hands around his neck. “I just feel weird this dressed up. Why does it look so natural on you and so awkward on me.”

Ben laughed. “I can promise you that is entirely in your mind. You feel weird because you’re not used to it but you’re going to be the most beautiful person there. Definitely prettier than all the women, and maybe even prettier than Poe.” Rey rolled her eyes and turned back towards the mirror. “Who are you kidding baby, neither of us will ever be prettier than Poe.”

Finn and Poe had only asked three people to stand up with them at their wedding. Rey, Chewbacca, and Jax, the younger brother Finn had found almost two years prior. Although his parents had been dead before the war had even started, through his sibling he had learned everything he could about them. Eventually he felt like he knew exactly who they had been, and it had brought him more peace than he thought he would ever find.

Jax had been thrilled to learn he not only had a brother, but a brother who had been a resistance fighter. He immediately asked to join and even though Finn knew he’d be worried about his younger brother being in any danger, he also couldn’t resist the idea of having his family near him. And after all, it was a time of peace. Jax was in his mid-twenties, single, and worked tending bar. He had wanted to escape his home planet ever since he lost his parents and with them his only real ties to his home, so in the end Finn had relented and brought his brother back with him to Ajan Kloss.

Rey knew she would never make it through the ceremony without crying but she tried to do it quietly at least. She could feel Ben behind her in the fairly sizeable crowd. He was sending her a soothing calm and she accepted it into herself gratefully. She did not want to ruin her best friends’ big day by breaking down into sobs. Finn’s vows were earnest and heartfelt and brought almost everyone to tears. Poe, naturally, couldn’t resist making his funny.

The party after the ceremony lasted well into the next morning and besides Chewie (who everyone suspected was not capable of getting drunk), Ben was the only one sober enough to stand by the end of it. Lando was passed out at a table by midnight and Chewy had to half-drag, half-carry him to his bed in one of the guest tents. Somewhere around one in the morning Finn and Poe had taken turns trying to drink Ben under the table with no luck, and Finn had ended up mumbling that Ben was probably using the force to cheat somehow before stumbling off to throw up behind a tree. Poe and Finn had planned to leave on their honeymoon the next day, but Rey suspected it would have to be delayed an extra day while the happy couple slept it off.

It was nearly a month later that Ben and Rey were packing up to leave Ajan Kloss permanently. Rey had found a planet that was perfect for the school she planned on setting up. She had located about half a dozen potential padawans over the past year, and they were now just waiting to be told where to go. She anticipated opening it up in a months time. With Ben’s help building the school would take very little time, as neither of them were above using the force to take certain shortcuts.

When Rey had first begun considering creating the school she had worried about what it would mean for their relationship. Ben was still working with the resistance, and though there wasn’t much left to do these days besides maintain order she worried that he might lose his sense of purpose if it was taken away. Living apart was not an option. She had considered building the school there, but she knew it was not a good idea to overlap a Jedi training school with a military base. She needed somewhere solitary, peaceful, and free of distractions.

It had taken her a while to work up the courage to talk to Ben about it, and although he could sense her stress, as usual he waited for her to come to him. She sometimes needed time to process things herself before she could discuss them with him, and he always gave her whatever she needed. Once Rey finally sat him down and began to talk about her plans it all came out in a rush. What she wanted to do, where she thought she could do it, why she didn’t think she could do it there. She finally got through it all, and fell silent for a moment. “It’s just that I know that no matter what, I have to teach. I have to pass on what I know. It’s the responsibility of every Jedi.”

She raised her eyes to meet Ben’s for the first time since she started talking and saw that at least he didn’t look upset, just thoughtful. Rey continued. “If you don’t think you can leave the work you’re doing here, we’ll figure it out together. Maybe we can find a planet that has a resistance base but a lot of free space and just put as much distance between them as we can and still live together. Or maybe you can still fly missions but work off of a new planet. Whatever you need, we’ll make it work somehow.” Ben smiled at her. “This school of yours. Do you think it could use a history teacher?”

\--------------------------------

Ben looked around the house he and Rey shared and was finally satisfied. Rey had “cleaned” it earlier in preparation for their guests, but she and Ben had vastly different ideas on what constituted clean. Instead of arguing over it Ben had simply just started doing it all himself. He didn’t mind, in fact he found it sort of calming. But Rey had been nervous about this visit and had been cleaning all morning to keep busy. Ben had kept the kids out of the house and out of her way, then when she took them with her to meet their friends he had gone over everything again. He hoped she would be too distracted with their company to notice when she got back. The last thing he wanted to do was start this long-awaited visit out on the wrong foot.

Everyone would be staying in the house, which was thankfully much larger than he and Rey had really needed. Ben hadn’t really cared about having a big house but he couldn’t resist building Rey something of a small mansion. She had grown up in poverty and then lived the life of a soldier, Ben wanted to be sure she never had to worry about being uncomfortable again. Consequently they had about five extra rooms and three extra bathrooms. Their two girls were still small enough that they shared a room.

Rey had been clear fairly early on that she wanted kids someday. If there was ever one real point of contention in their relationship since the day they left Exegol, this was it. Ben had adjusted to teaching children at the Jedi academy, but he was always very careful not to steer off-topic or mentor any of them too closely. He was purposefully intimidating. He didn’t trust himself to be the right kind of influence, and he didn’t want to risk inadvertently contradicting or undermining any lessons Rey was giving them. It had been many years since he’d left the dark side behind but he knew he would never again trust himself in that way. The idea of being any kind of leader made him nervous. The idea of being a father absolutely terrified him.

His first argument to Rey was his genes. His bloodline had produced, not just him, but Darth Vader. He argued that the risk was too great. He argued that neither he nor Anakin Skywalker had endured anywhere near the level of adversity it should have taken to turn them so far to the dark. Anakin had it much harder of course, but he had mentors and friends who were strong, and good. He’d had the devoted love of a beautiful woman he had been obsessed with from childhood. None of it had been enough. Ben and Rey were both massively strong with the force. If they produced a child that was equally or exponentially stronger and that child turned from the light, the consequences could be dire. Ben argued it would be irresponsible to chance it.

Ben’s “weak genes” argument elicited nothing but eye-rolls from Rey. She countered that the children would be half hers, and then proceeded to name all of the heroes and good people from his side of the family until she had clearly won the math problem. She’d done this knowing that it was not Ben’s true worry, and Ben had known she wouldn’t really buy it.

He’d then argued she was the only living Jedi, and having six students to teach and guide was more responsibility than anyone should have to take on. On top of that, what if the pregnancy was difficult? What if something happened to her? Ben needed her. The world needed her. Rey was too important to risk. To this Rey had responded that, like it or not, Ben was the same as a Jedi even if he would never bear the title. If anything happened to her and a Jedi was needed, he would step up. He would teach the students. Ben had laughed hysterically, and that night the argument became a fight. They both said things they wished they hadn’t and had slept apart for the first time since they began sharing a bed.

Once they had given each other a bit of space they came back together and picked up the discussion where they had left off. Ben would have loved to just forget they ever had it, or push it off to a future date, but he knew Rey too well. She would never let an argument of any kind hang over their heads. Since Ben tended to keep things to himself this trait of hers had worked well as a counter-balance in the past, but now Ben was worried it would mean arguing their whole lives about this with no end in sight. He knew he would never change his mind.

Since there was no winning the Rey Is Too Important argument with Ben, Rey switched tactics. Ben couldn’t live without Rey, Ben would never be able to do what she did, fine. Then nothing would happen to Rey. Period. She promised him that she would take it easy, that if there were any danger to her health early on they could abort, they she would take great care not to strain herself or take too much on. She reminded him that women had been giving birth since the dawn of time and even accused him of thinking her weak. She knew that part wasn’t true, but she was reaching the end of her rope. Ben hadn’t budged.

Then, Rey did something she had never done before. She gave up. She knew what Ben was afraid of and why he was afraid of it, and she understood. She told Ben she loved him more than anything else in the world, more than herself, and more than any potential children they might have. She told him he was enough for her and that she would respect his wishes. That she would not let this poison the love they had for each other. She had said all of this and meant it. For the first time in her life, Rey gave up on something she truly wanted with all of her heart.

Ben knew that she meant it, and it broke him. Rey’s love for him was total and every once in a while he forgot what that meant. He had done everything in his power to make her happy from the moment she had saved him on the ruins of the Death Star, because she had loved and protected him while he was still nothing but an instrument of evil. She had put herself between Ben and death twice, and he had sworn to himself then that for the rest of his life he would do anything she asked of him. He couldn’t stop now just because he was afraid. Rey might not have needed to have children in order to be happy with him, but he knew that it was in his power to make her even happier, so what else could he possibly do? It was one whole day later that Ben told Rey they could fill the whole damn house up with kids if she wanted to.

As it turned out Rey only wanted two. Ben had been very happy with that number. He had been an only child (so had Anakin, incidentally) and he knew how lonely it could be. As wrapped up as he and Rey were with each other, he didn’t want history to repeat itself. More than two and they were outnumbered, and Ben did not like his odds.

Ben had never believed in any kind of a god, or gods, but both times Rey had been pregnant he had looked up the names of every single one and prayed to all of them for a girl. Both times it had worked. They gave their first daughter Leia’s given middle name, Amidala. The fact that Leia had never visited Ben or Rey went unspoken between them, because they both thought they knew why it couldn’t happen. Ben thought never seeing his mother again was the price he paid for causing her death, and Rey thought Leia didn’t appear to her because she wouldn’t hurt Ben by visiting Rey and not him. On the night Ben’s first daughter was born, his mother appeared to them for the first time. As it turned out, Leia just liked to make an entrance.

Since that night Leia had visited them twice more- when their second daughter was born and on the day of their wedding. The first time she appeared was the best, and most difficult, night of Ben’s life. Rey’s labor had been long- well over a day. Ben was prepared to take on as much of Rey’s pain and exhaustion as he could, but for some reason childbirth seemed to be the only exception to the rule when it came to the force. It didn’t work. Dyad or not, he was not able to absorb anything from her or give her anything of himself until the baby was born. This was between Rey and the child, and Ben was not able to interfere. He was consequently an utter wreck until he heard the baby’s first cries and the doctor proclaiming both mother and baby to be fine.

His first child arriving would have been emotional enough but then Leia appeared almost right afterwards, standing at Rey’s side with her hand on Rey’s forehead. Ben felt the wind knocked out of him. Rey had looked up and smiled at Leia with tears in her eyes, and then handed her their new daughter. Seeing his mother hold the baby was something he could hardly bear. He’d left the house briefly and broken down outside. Leia had joined him moments later and they had talked through most of the night while Rey, and luckily the baby, slept. Whenever Ben tried to remember exactly what was said, he could never really hold onto it. He remembered warmth and light. No words, only feelings. He just knew that from that night on he never again worried about their choice to have children.

Their second daughter arrived two years after Amidala and the birth went much easier that time around. Rey’s labor was over fast and their second daughter was polite enough to have a smaller head. Leia’s visit was more joyous and less emotional than the first time, so although the birth of his first daughter was the best and most profound night of Ben’s life, the birth of their second might have been the happiest. They called their second daughter Jyn. They just liked the name.

They had finally gotten married when the girls were two and four. It hadn’t been particularly important to either of them that they were married, but it occurred to Rey it would be a good way to get all of their friends together and force Ben to put on formal wear again. She saw Finn and Poe, and sometimes Jax too, at least twice a year, but she never felt like it was enough. They ended up being glad they had waited. Their daughters got to be part of the ceremony and all of the friends, like Lando, that they hadn’t seen in a while finally got to meet the girls. Everyone got on well by that point, even Finn and Ben, so the ceremony and the party were that much better. And who needs a honeymoon more than the parents of two small children? Ben and Rey dumped the girls on Finn and Poe and no one saw or heard from them for an entire week. Ben still smiled like an idiot to himself when he thought about that week.

Ben heard the raucous voices long before they reached the house. He opened the door when they grew close and walked out to greet everyone. The kids zoomed past his legs into the house. Max, Finn and Poe’s son, was now six. Amidala and Jyn were eight and ten so they tended to boss him around. Poe reached Ben first and gave him a brief hug while Rey followed the kids into the house shouting warnings about what items could and could not be broken. Ben shook Finn’s hand and before he could ask where Chewie was the wookiee had caught up to them, loaded down with luggage. He dropped all of the bags and lifted Ben off of his feet into a giant hug. Once his breath had returned to his body Ben followed everyone in and got their things settled into their rooms.

The next few days were a blur of dinners, picnics, walks, hikes, screaming children, and drinks. Lots of drinks. Rey had given the students three weeks off to be at their homes and planned this weeklong visit around it, so it was only the two families and no one else around for hundreds of miles. None of the kids were too rambunctious on their own but for some reason when the three of them were together they could manage nothing below a dull roar. The most common and inevitable conflict was Max accusing one or both of the girls of using their “powers” to cheat at some game or another, which was not allowed. Most of the time Rey would shout up to the girls to play fair, or Poe would shout up to Max to stop tattling, and the argument would seemingly be over as easily as it started. They knew if they fought too long their parents would separate them and the cousins only got to see each other every so often.

On the last night of the visit Ben and Rey brought out the best food and liquor they’d been saving for the final party, and they let the kids be as loud and stay up as late as they wanted upstairs. Rey was putting some plates in the kitchen when Finn joined her with some glasses. “You don’t have to help!” Rey smiled at him. “I just know Ben won’t come to bed until everything is at least in the sink, so I tend to just bring things inside every once in a while so he’s not up until three in the morning cleaning like a lunatic.”

Finn put the glasses down and looked over Rey’s shoulder out the window to where Poe, Ben, and Chewie were sitting around a fire. Poe was clearly telling an exciting, and possibly slightly exaggerated, tale of adventure and bravery (his own, of course), if his hand gestures and tone were anything to go by. Chewie was laughing and throwing bits of food in his direction every few minutes. Ben was clearly entranced. Finn snorted. “Do you ever worry those two are going to run off together?” Rey laughed. “We wish. Anyway they wouldn’t last three days without us.” Finn put his arm around Rey’s shoulders and kissed the side of her head.

The next day Ben and Rey saw Finn, Poe, and Max off on the Falcon. When Rey and Ben had left Ajan Kloss Chewie had offered to let Rey take it, but Rey had refused. The Falcon was Chewie’s, and anyway she and Ben would not need much use of a ship once they reached their destination. Now that Chewie was moving in with them Poe had offered to fly a second ship so that they could leave the Falcon with him, but now it was his turn to refuse it and to turn the care of it over to Poe. The Falcon should stay where the action is, Chewie had said. Han wouldn’t want it to sit idle.

Chewie was growing older, and though he had many more years left he had lost all of his enthusiasm for fighting. He was heartbroken to see Ben and Rey leave, and once they’d had kids he’d been to see them so often that Ben had finally asked Rey if he could ask Chewie to move in with them. Rey had leapt at the idea, not only because she loved Chewie but also because she was never one to turn down childcare. Chewie had happily agreed but had waited two more years to join them permanently. He was still helping Poe out a lot and he wasn’t going to leave until he was sure the resistance could do without him. He had come and gone a few more times over the past couple of years, but after this trip he was finally going to stay.

After they’d said their goodbyes at the Falcon Ben and Rey walked back to the house. Rey took Ben’s hand. “Why are you smiling?” Ben shook his head. “I’m just so happy he’s staying.” Rey rested her head on his shoulder briefly. “I know. The girls love him so much, and now they get to have a full-time uncle Chewie, like you did.” Ben smiled down at his feet while they walked. “Like I did.”

When they got back to the house Ben saw that Chewie was in the back playing with the girls, so he started cleaning up. Rey sighed. “The girls are outside, entertained, and supervised, and the best thing you can think of to do is clean?” Ben threw her a smile. His wife looked much the same as when they had met. Having two children had filled out her figure and there were maybe some small crows feet but that was it. He liked her new, curvier frame, as he had told her so when she’d started mentioning it. She had never let up on training so she still had the same strong arms and wiry muscles. As he often did, he thought she had never looked more beautiful than she did in that moment. He put down the dishes he was holding and swept her up in his arms like he’d done the very first time.

That evening after Chewie had gone to bed, Ben sat by the fire reading aloud. It had been Jyn’s turn to pick the book and as usual she had chosen one of the darker tales. Amidala had always been the more outgoing, optimistic child. Her sister tended to brood. It only made sense that one would take after Rey and one after Ben, but Ben had been hoping they would both take after Rey. Instead they’d ended up opposites- Amidala with her generous spirit and Jyn with her quick temper.

But Ben also knew that Jyn had things that he hadn’t had. Most importantly she had her sister. Amidala had always doted on her baby sister. Whenever Jyn would try to sulk Ami would tease her until she laughed. Jyn could not take herself seriously when her sister was around. The girls weren’t officially starting the Jedi academy until the following year. Amidala had been old enough two years prior but Ben had asked Rey if they could wait until both girls were old enough, and Rey had agreed. She had known why Ben had asked. Even though the girls already spent their days at the academy playing and learning they did it together, and this would mean that Amidala would be away from her sister all day in classes. Ben didn’t want Jyn to be left behind, or left alone.

On top of that, Jyn had parents that were present. Probably too present if you asked their kids. While Rey and Ben were teaching the girls basically lived at the school. Running around playing, eating in the kitchens, and reading in the library. They all walked home together at the end of the day and Ben read to them after dinner almost every single night. Although their parents taught them the occasional lesson their learning was as of yet completely relaxed and unstructured. Also Ben’s idea. Ben knew that Rey frequently let him take the reins when it came to parenting because Rey did not share Ben’s specific worries, and she wanted his mind to be at ease.

Neither Ami nor Jyn had ever exhibited the kind of power that he or Rey had, but Ben suspected it was because they had never pushed themselves. That might change when they started the academy. Since the force was commonplace in their home and at the school the girls hadn’t ever thought of themselves as “special”, or other in any way. The force was just something that Was. If it weren’t for the visits from Poe, Finn, and Max they would have assumed their connection to it was something everyone possessed.

Ben thought this was definitely a good thing. Let them feel normal. Normality was underrated, in his opinion. Feeling special had brought him nothing but pain. All of it together meant that Ben worried less about his younger daughter than he might have otherwise. Rey did not worry about her at all.

Rey walked into the living room and saw that both girls were asleep, and Ben was now just reading on his own. Jyn was passed out against Ben’s shoulder and Amidala was curled on the couch next to them. Ben looked up as Rey entered and picked up their eldest. He smiled and stood up too. They carried the girls to bed and then returned downstairs. Rey was sure that Ben would immediately start cleaning up the rest of the house since it had not yet been restored to the state it had been before their guests arrived, but instead he stopped at the bottom of the stairs, looking thoughtful.

Rey stopped too. “What is it?” Ben shook his head. “Nothing. I think I’m going to take a walk, okay?” Rey was surprised, it was out of the ordinary for either of them to take walks at night, but then she shrugged. “Of course. Do you want me to come? I’m sure Chewie will wake up if either of the girls do.” Ben shook his head. “That’s okay, I just feel like some fresh air.” Rey kissed him and he put on a sweater and left.

Ben walked down to the water unsure of what possessed him to take a random stroll in the dark, only knowing that something had. The air was brisk and the breeze got stronger on the beach. Ben could see his breath. He leaned against a rock and watched the water, only gradually becoming aware that someone was sitting near him on the sand. So this was it. He felt the presence before he turned. He expected to see his mother since he’d never had any other visitors. Instead he saw a young man in a black cloak. The man was handsome and looked to be about ten years younger than Ben. He had no idea who it was so Ben waited for the figure to start talking. When it continued to sit quietly, Ben turned away again and resumed watching the water. If the man had something to say he would eventually say it, and if not, Ben would keep him company until he left.

Finally the man broke the silence with a short laugh. Ben turned at the noise, which for some reason was not an entirely pleasant sound. The man shook his head. “You are different, much different, than I was. I would have demanded to know right away why I was here and what I wanted. You are just full of patience, aren’t you.” The last sentence sounded perhaps a little sarcastic. As soon as the man had begun speaking Ben had known who he was. “Hello grandfather.” Anakin stood up and stared out across the water. “You know we’ve never spoken, don’t you?” Ben nodded. “Yes, I’ve known for many years.” Anakin’s face darkened. “The nerve of that creature.”

It was silent for another moment and then Ben thought okay, I’ll bite. “What are you doing here?” Anakin finally turned to look at him. “I think I already said what I came to say. I wanted to tell you that we are nothing alike. That we never have been. Something in me was always cruel. Always grasping. Even if my son had saved my life, no matter how long I lived I could never have found the life that you have found. I know because I once had it. I had this life. A wife, children ready to be born. Every reason not to throw it away. But that’s exactly what I did. Because that’s what I wanted to do.”

Ben looked at him thoughtfully. “I think I figured that out, eventually.” Anakin smiled slightly. “No, you haven’t. Not all the way down. You’re still afraid. You’re afraid that the grip you think you have on your true nature is going to slip someday. That you have to be constantly vigilant in order to protect your loved ones.” Ben remained silent. He knew his grandfather spoke the truth. Anakin continued. “If there is one thing left for you, it is to release that grip. If you do, you will realize you no longer need it. You stopped needing it a long time ago.”

Ben shook his head. “It hardly seems worth the risk.” Anakin laughed. “See? The fact that you’re this worried proves that you don’t need to be.” Ben looked away from his grandfather, out over the water once again. “If there’s even a sliver of a chance, I can’t risk it. Why bother anyway? What’s to gain?” Anakin joined him at the water’s edge. “Without this fear you could truly train the next generation of Jedi. You could be an equal partner with your counterpart in the force. You could guide and mentor with no reservations.”

Ben turned to Anakin again. “I can’t.” Anakin nodded. “As you will. But just know that this fear is selfish. And neither of us ever accomplished anything good that came from fear or selfishness.” Anakin turned and started to walk away, then paused and half-turned. “Aside from all of that, it is the only way you’ll ever be able to truly rest. And although you don’t yet believe it, you deserve to rest.” Anakin continued walking and his figure dissolved into the cold air.

Ben stayed where he was for hours, thinking of what Anakin had said to him. He had felt a curious affection for his grandfather that was mixed with fear. Why he was afraid of a ghost he did not know. Although Anakin’s words had been kind his demeanor was formal, and there was a certain bitterness in the young man’s voice. After meeting him, Ben knew that at least part of what Anakin had said was true. They were not alike. Ben’s evil had come from a place of emotion. Of sadness, of loneliness, of anger, and of grief. His grandfather’s face was cold. They had both chosen the darkness but for vastly different reasons. Ben didn’t know if that mattered, but he knew now that it was true.

When Ben finally climbed into bed it was only a few hours before dawn. He put his arms around Rey and he could tell she was at least half-awake. “Who came to see you? Was it Leia?” Ben shook his head in the dark. “It was my grandfather.” Rey turned slightly. “Huh. What did he want?” Ben shook his head again. “I don’t really know.” Rey shrugged slightly then turned back over. Ben hesitated. “Rey?” She mumbled, “Yeah?” Ben was silent for a moment. “Do you think, if I was sure, I mean really sure, that it might be an okay idea for me to take on, I don’t know, more responsibility? At the academy? Maybe mentor specific students or, I don’t know, branch out into broader teaching?”

In the brief silence that followed Ben thought desperately- please say it’s a bad idea. Say I can never truly trust myself, that it’s too big of a risk. Tell me that I can spend the rest of my days with my books. Finally out of the silence, Rey’s voice came. “I think it’s about time.” Her breathing became regular soon after and Ben knew she was asleep. He nestled his head against hers and although he was afraid, he also relaxed. Rey believed in him. She had always believed in him and she had never been wrong. As long as she thought he wouldn’t fail then he wouldn’t. There would be no return to the darkness, because the darkness inside of him had died. Ben finally let go of the fear that had gripped him ever since he had made the decision to turn back to the light. He pulled Rey tighter to his chest, and he rested.


End file.
